Me Being A Doctor Is (Not) A Mistake

When I was in High School, I loved daydreaming about dreams. I spent a lot of time imagining myself as a magazine editor, or journalist, or researcher, or fashion designer, or violinist, or children’s book illustrator, and sometimes as wedding organizer. Crazy, young and free, those are the definition for my dreams. Unsafe, unpredictable, unprofitable (except for the lucky!) are also descriptions for my dreams. I knew it long ago. I have a lot of dream, but one thing that I found weird. I always determined my self to be a doctor whatever dreams I have.

I spent 6 years of High School to pursue unofficial title of  ‘Biology Master’. I won biology competitions, not so many, but the numbers and prestige are enough to get that unofficial title. Besides, I also built a career (if I can call it so) in Journalistic. I love to write, to accumulate information, to publish something that can inspire people. 

When my dreams and dream job are not matching, when someone I want to be and someone I expected to be are not matching, those are problems, BIG problems. I remember when I cried on the last December of my High School years. I cried because I was accepted in medical school, but deep inside I did not really sure to take it. I still have other dreams, I could be anything I want, wedding organizer, Magazine Editor, Journalist, even still have a chance to work in National Geographic! My parents said I could be anything I want, but it was I who was too frighten to take the risks. Besides, I always said confidently since a long time ago that I will be a doctor someday, wear that white clothes, do morning visit, prescribe medicine, and drive midnight for emergency calls. I always determined myself to be a doctor, but at that time I thought I lost the reason why I want to be a doctor. So, I made other reasons to convince myself, “because being a doctor is a safe choice”,” I still can do research”, “I still can write stories”, “I will make so much money then travel the world and write about the journey”, “draw illustrations can be done in between”, and the others. Eventually, those reasons are not enough for me when I stuck in my last months of my freshmen year.  I thought, I lost all my motivations.

In fact, I didn't, I just forgot about them, the basic reason. The reason is not to help people, not to have a promising career, not to seek any popularity, but TO INSPIRE people to have A BETTER LIFE then make THE WORLD to be A BETTER PLACE. I was such a damn fucking idealist who used to had an idea of an ideal life and world in my head. Contaminating with glamorous life, popularity, racism, materialism, agnosticism, I turned to be so selfish, arrogant, and ambitious for something which are actually nothing. I did not get anything except emptiness, but still craving for more, thinking that I just have not had enough. Thanks God, just one night before the skill test (so called OSCE), God reminded me the reason. At that night, I got my spirit up and learned for the test carefully. My target is not the best score, but do the best for my future patients. Enough for being wild, young, free, and cool in the world’s perspective. I’m done with it, I don't get anything but emptiness. Let me back to against what society calls cool, I just want to be good and right in His eyes for He is the only one who cannot be wrong. 

Thank You, for not giving me so much courage to take the risks of not being a doctor. Yes, I spent at least half year cursing my choice to be a doctor, but now I know I wont regret it later. I will drive midnight for emergency calls, will spend most of my time in hospital, will talk to patient much often than to my family, will go sleepless for the needy, will have no Sundays and holidays, but I will be a doctor and will LOVE TO BE.

Back to the days when I was innocent, I didn't dream to work in big cities and well known Hospitals. I always wanted to work for WHO, be a doctor in wars, teach the low economic class how to keep their body and mental healthy. You know, writing is an easier way to motivate and inspire people. But still, actions talk louder and much simpler. If I only write, how can I inspire people with poverty who do not have  access for education, do not have enough money to buy the book, and do not have enough interest to read? No, me being a doctor is not a mistake. Doctor is what I should be and what I will be. Heaven got a plan for me and I’m in, all in.

I’ve kept this post in my head for a month for not knowing how to write it properly. Thanks to Dewi Lestari and her novel ‘Perahu Kertas’, it is so inspiring! For, readers I do not inspire you to be a doctor but to remind you to go on your dreams and keep motivated. Work hard, it will pay off later!