Finding My True Love

True love does sound good. I always secretly wish to find my true love. I imagined my true love is a gentleman with great love and great taste, ready to love beyond my imperfection at anytime, whatever my condition is. That was how I imagined true love until this morning.

I am not good at relationship, in fact I never stay in a relationship longer than a year. When I find something wrong in a relationship, usually I become doubtful, then if he cant convince me that everything will be alright I will leave soon. Maybe it's because I don't want to take the risk of spending the rest of my life with a wrong person. In attempt to know how deep is his love, I usually act super annoying and cranky for days to see if he will keep on loving me. I swear I didn't do this intentionally to test them, I did it without ever knowing why but just because I want to and I need to. Some of the guys leave me, some other stay but could not convince me. By all ways, I always leave.

Recently, I promised myself to take some long me-time. I kinda feel bad for never succeed a relationship, I started thinking that the mistakes were on me and not the guys. I realized that I wish too much from them to love me unconditionally. If it is too much to ask for an unconditional love, maybe I will never meet my true love. All I wish for is an unconditional love, because I know that I am not perfect. I was afraid someday my lover will start counting my flaws then he will decide to leave.

This morning, I was thinking that maybe unconditional love is too much to ask for and no man is capable of it. But, how come? My heart is crying for it. God was so cruel if He put a desire in my heart that impossible to be satisfied. Then He told me, "the one you have been looking for is Me!" As soon as possible He made it crystal clear.
All these year, I was crying for unconditional love, I was crying for Him. Only God can give me unconditional love, not matter how much I sinned, how annoying and cranky I can be, He still chooses to love me unconditionally. That moment, I know my quest was over. I have met my true love, The One who will and has loved me unconditionally.

Thank you God, for loving me unconditionally.

Do you know? He loves you unconditionally, too!

Between Demand and Request

I think we all know the difference between demand and request, they have a big difference. Recently, I know the difference is even bigger when it comes about apology.

The definition of demand is ‘a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you', meanwhile request is ‘the act of asking for something’.

When it comes about apology, do you DEMAND or REQUEST for forgiveness? Let this question be a reflection for each of us.

There was a day when somebody hurt me, I was mad, even more than mad, I was disappointed. He did say sorry, but it was hard for me to forgive him. I remained silent for some other days, but then when we met, he said “why do you still angry at me? I have said sorry.”  Then he grumbled some more. 

At that point, I realize that most of us demand forgiveness. He demands something he doesn't deserve, but he thinks it is his right to be forgiven. Maybe it is in our mindset that if we apologize, we must be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift for a gentle request, but most of us forget it. Forgiveness is something we don't deserve, but given by mercy. For that reason, we should cherish every forgiveness given to us.

We often do the same thing to God, we pray for something, but then when we don't get it, anger creeps into our heart. It was a demand, not a request. We demand God to forgive us, we demand God to bless us, we demand God to do something for us. We have no right for heaven or for blessings, but God gives it anyway. When we ask for something but don't get it, we should not be furious for it is not our right, but be grateful when He gives it for it is a gift. That’s why anybody who gets His forgiveness should be thankful, because He is being generous. He gives us something we don't deserve. 

So, ask for forgiveness, and cherish it when it is given to you. Close your eyes and say "thank you God for your forgiveness although I don't deserve it" from your deepest heart.

Chronic Heartache

In medical, definition of chronic is a disease or condition that persistent for a long time, for some disease we determine a disease is chronic within three months. But, today I am not going to talk about anything medical.

Heartache, derived from heart and ache, is not a medical term, but more or less means an emotion of heart break, love sickness.

I use this term to define love sickness that persistent for a long time, and sadly I just realize that I probably suffer from chronic heartache.

Heartache is not always come from a lover, it may come from friends, siblings, or parents. Even actually, many of us suffer chronic heartache from parents, sibling, or friends the most. We may or may not know the seed of the chronic heartache, but the thing is we feel it. I feel it, and I knew the seed of my chronic heartache.

I am struggling with my heartache, I wanna be freed from it. Sadly, I had no idea how to accomplish it.

"I consciously know that they do not mean to hurt me, even they do it to show their love for me, but it is not the way I need to be loved. When I told them how I want to be loved, they ignore it. I think that was the hurtful moment, not what they did in the first place. I gave another temptation to tell them the same thing, they didn't take it seriously. So, I cried in frustration, a lot of times."

It is terrible, isn't it? Not yet, the worst thing is not knowing either to solve it or flee from it. Frustration is creeping in, tears start falling, then heart begin to close.

I am really sorry, but I can not tell you how to solve this situation, I'm trying too. One thing keeps me still standing and smiling, it is faith. I only rely on Him, believing someday He will make everything better not bitter. I do not stop praying, changes need time and I believe He is working on it. I have faith, because I know He loves me and wants the best for me. So if He did not take this away from me, He has a plan about me involving it! 

I believe He loves you too, so don't lose faith in Him :)