Not a Mistake

Been long since the last time I wrote anything about love, I've been avoiding it for quite sometime. But today, I have something to share.

What is the worst part of a relationship?
For me, it's always the ending.
No matter how hard you try to make a clear nice breakup, still there is no easy breakup. No matter how hard you pretend to be OK, you lose yourself control at some point. No matter how hard you try to remain friends, it will not be the same, at least for a while.
And the worst thing about the ending isn't the break up, it's when you lose him.
When you love somebody and make that person special, you give him some space in your life, often you give him a big space. So, when he walks away from your daily life, there will be a big hole left. That is the most hurtful moment, but maybe letting go is a part of loving.
As I once write, there is no unbutton love. Once you love somebody, you love him for a life time, but maybe the intensity can change. If you don't love him anymore, maybe actually you never really did.

At times I should face my most hurtful moment, I cried. Still I believe, that what had happened isn't a mistake.


This was written on October 2014, when I was facing a heart break. I kept it for a long time, not wanting to post it on emotional state because I was afraid of not being objective to evaluate it as an encouraging post. This is actually what I kept telling myself on my attempt to move on, that everything was not a mistake and I learned something from it. I hope you can also believe that your heart breaks, your exes, your past relationships are not mistakes, but the things God let to happen in your life in order to teach you something valuable.

Finding My True Love

True love does sound good. I always secretly wish to find my true love. I imagined my true love is a gentleman with great love and great taste, ready to love beyond my imperfection at anytime, whatever my condition is. That was how I imagined true love until this morning.

I am not good at relationship, in fact I never stay in a relationship longer than a year. When I find something wrong in a relationship, usually I become doubtful, then if he cant convince me that everything will be alright I will leave soon. Maybe it's because I don't want to take the risk of spending the rest of my life with a wrong person. In attempt to know how deep is his love, I usually act super annoying and cranky for days to see if he will keep on loving me. I swear I didn't do this intentionally to test them, I did it without ever knowing why but just because I want to and I need to. Some of the guys leave me, some other stay but could not convince me. By all ways, I always leave.

Recently, I promised myself to take some long me-time. I kinda feel bad for never succeed a relationship, I started thinking that the mistakes were on me and not the guys. I realized that I wish too much from them to love me unconditionally. If it is too much to ask for an unconditional love, maybe I will never meet my true love. All I wish for is an unconditional love, because I know that I am not perfect. I was afraid someday my lover will start counting my flaws then he will decide to leave.

This morning, I was thinking that maybe unconditional love is too much to ask for and no man is capable of it. But, how come? My heart is crying for it. God was so cruel if He put a desire in my heart that impossible to be satisfied. Then He told me, "the one you have been looking for is Me!" As soon as possible He made it crystal clear.
All these year, I was crying for unconditional love, I was crying for Him. Only God can give me unconditional love, not matter how much I sinned, how annoying and cranky I can be, He still chooses to love me unconditionally. That moment, I know my quest was over. I have met my true love, The One who will and has loved me unconditionally.

Thank you God, for loving me unconditionally.

Do you know? He loves you unconditionally, too!

Between Demand and Request

I think we all know the difference between demand and request, they have a big difference. Recently, I know the difference is even bigger when it comes about apology.

The definition of demand is ‘a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you', meanwhile request is ‘the act of asking for something’.

When it comes about apology, do you DEMAND or REQUEST for forgiveness? Let this question be a reflection for each of us.

There was a day when somebody hurt me, I was mad, even more than mad, I was disappointed. He did say sorry, but it was hard for me to forgive him. I remained silent for some other days, but then when we met, he said “why do you still angry at me? I have said sorry.”  Then he grumbled some more. 

At that point, I realize that most of us demand forgiveness. He demands something he doesn't deserve, but he thinks it is his right to be forgiven. Maybe it is in our mindset that if we apologize, we must be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift for a gentle request, but most of us forget it. Forgiveness is something we don't deserve, but given by mercy. For that reason, we should cherish every forgiveness given to us.

We often do the same thing to God, we pray for something, but then when we don't get it, anger creeps into our heart. It was a demand, not a request. We demand God to forgive us, we demand God to bless us, we demand God to do something for us. We have no right for heaven or for blessings, but God gives it anyway. When we ask for something but don't get it, we should not be furious for it is not our right, but be grateful when He gives it for it is a gift. That’s why anybody who gets His forgiveness should be thankful, because He is being generous. He gives us something we don't deserve. 

So, ask for forgiveness, and cherish it when it is given to you. Close your eyes and say "thank you God for your forgiveness although I don't deserve it" from your deepest heart.

Chronic Heartache

In medical, definition of chronic is a disease or condition that persistent for a long time, for some disease we determine a disease is chronic within three months. But, today I am not going to talk about anything medical.

Heartache, derived from heart and ache, is not a medical term, but more or less means an emotion of heart break, love sickness.

I use this term to define love sickness that persistent for a long time, and sadly I just realize that I probably suffer from chronic heartache.

Heartache is not always come from a lover, it may come from friends, siblings, or parents. Even actually, many of us suffer chronic heartache from parents, sibling, or friends the most. We may or may not know the seed of the chronic heartache, but the thing is we feel it. I feel it, and I knew the seed of my chronic heartache.

I am struggling with my heartache, I wanna be freed from it. Sadly, I had no idea how to accomplish it.

"I consciously know that they do not mean to hurt me, even they do it to show their love for me, but it is not the way I need to be loved. When I told them how I want to be loved, they ignore it. I think that was the hurtful moment, not what they did in the first place. I gave another temptation to tell them the same thing, they didn't take it seriously. So, I cried in frustration, a lot of times."

It is terrible, isn't it? Not yet, the worst thing is not knowing either to solve it or flee from it. Frustration is creeping in, tears start falling, then heart begin to close.

I am really sorry, but I can not tell you how to solve this situation, I'm trying too. One thing keeps me still standing and smiling, it is faith. I only rely on Him, believing someday He will make everything better not bitter. I do not stop praying, changes need time and I believe He is working on it. I have faith, because I know He loves me and wants the best for me. So if He did not take this away from me, He has a plan about me involving it! 

I believe He loves you too, so don't lose faith in Him :)

Kindhearted or just OK?

Some researches show that we tend to think that we are better than we actually are. Another random fact, we usually claim to have a kind heart or at least nice, never break the state law, never kill, never divorce, etc

Are we kindhearted or just OK? Definition of a kindhearted is having or showing a kind and gentle nature. Is it? For me it's like the sentence isn't complete yet. It should be 'having or showing a kind and gentle nature constantly and for all'. 

To be a kindhearted is to show a lovely actions for everybody and constantly, never being absent and especially for a reason 'we are only human'. Yes, we are human, a kindhearted human. 

Maybe not most, just some people tend be kind to people who kind to them. It doesn't take a kindhearted guy to do that, everybody does. But to be kindhearted is to be kind to whom who has been unkind to us.
Kind actions should be constant. Being a kindhearted is not depending on our mood, do not let our mood drive our actions and ruin our days.

Being kind isn't an easy-peasy thing, it sure take commitment, lots of practice, and prayers, still I believe it will be worth it. Why? Because He wants us to be.

In this instant super short post I only wanna tell you two things I wrote above because I think that was important. For specific definition of being kindhearted and only nice, you can seek it on Bible, it has all the details. Hoping I can write about it someday. 
Have a nice day!

What Today's Women Expect

Recently I talked a little bit a lot with a boy. At first, I think he just wanted to be friends, but looked like he mistook my being-nice action as a good sign to start flirting.

It was quite boring and tiring to talk to him. But, I thank him for opening my eyes to see that in this modern emancipation life, still there is a conservative (I use conservative, because maybe closed minded is too rude) man who wants to marry a woman who will just cook for him and dust his furniture at home and maybe dance and sing and rub his back when he comes home.

It was much less like this. He said, he doesn't like an ambitious woman who loves to pursue career in her life and for example he mention our senior's name whom I totally adore. I said, that kind of woman is cool and I am definitely one of that kind. He said that our senior is definitely going to be an old single lady because she is too picky and ambitious. I said, she is definitely outrageous and cool because she is keep on pursuing her dreams and being single doesn't keep her for being fabulous. He said, she should be aware of her single status because she is in her midst twenty. I said, no she shouldn't because she is pretty, has a good attitude and style, dress well, comes from good family back ground, smart and has a great prospect of being a good pediatrician, the only thing she shouldn't do is lowering her standard (especially for a guy like you, even though I didn't say this). He said, he wants to be the only reason of his significant other's happiness. I said, I had learned that we better not draping our happiness on other people's shoulder. He said, in a relationship couple should depend on each other and he wants to have a significant other who will totally depend on him. I said, I learned that in a healthy relationship, couple should trust and help each other but not totally depend on each other, I learned that a healthy relationship is two happy persons commit to share their happiness and sorrow, not to make each other happy, if we could not make our self happy then we will not make any other people happy. He said, this is a tough conversation, and we will hard to finally have one conclusion. I said, no, we don't need any conclusion because we were just sharing opinion, we can still go on in life with our own opinion, there's no need to decide which opinion is better, because it were all relative and subjective.

I am quite surprised to realize that most of men and boys around me still adopt the concept of having a girl friend or wife who will totally adore and depend on them, and in extreme case just having a life because of their presence. For my sisters, I and maybe some women out there who have an intention to go for further education and want to have career life, we are not avoiding or disliking marriage, we're just expecting a men who will accept us as his equal partner in life. An equal partner is someone to talk to, to discuss matters, to share opinions, to help each other through life. An equal partner means we want men to think and act like our opinion is matter, worth listened, worth considered and worth for trial.

In fact, most of men still adopt last century concept of having a girl friend or wife. They think their wife just need to listen to their stories without any right to give opinions, we were only given right to agree and nod, cook them breakfast lunch and supper, raise the kid, and (sorry to say) serve them in bed. They think, their only obligation is supporting family's economy which (in their mind) woman cant do and know nothing about. Maybe you don't believe it, but some women still have this same concept in their mind. Thankfully, I am absolutely not one of them.

Women have the right to pursue their dreams, dreams can be working as a doctor, or maybe work as reporter for BBC or CNN, or maybe be a mother with four kids. Women have the right to be listened. Women have the right to be appreciated for what they have done. Raising kids is not only women's obligation in marriage, it is two party's obligation. Raising kids is not about giving them money, toys, gadgets, and stuffs or giving them the best education, it is about nurturing and loving them, accompanying them during life, and helping them to grow.

For every smart beautiful girls who lives around the world, be smart enough to chose your partner. Because we're worth it. Maybe you're single at the moment, just don't ever lower your standard, the right man will be able to appreciate your intelligence, beauty and skills.
Be smart people, be people smart. Happy weekend!

Hey, Mr. Right

Have you ever wonder about how and when will you know that someone is the right one for you? I do question it all the time.

How can we know that he/she is the right one? And, when will we know? I'm pretty sure that those question at least for once crossed your mind.
We used to think, that if he/she say or do something we expect without telling them, he/she must be the right one. No, if they're right, they're just lucky-guesser. Or maybe, if they bring changes to our life, it must be them. Even if he/she can give everything we want, material or feelings, it may not be them.
This human race is poisoned with the theory telling us "We will know when he/she proposes us." Oops, remember how many couple choose to divorce every year? Once upon a time, they were falling in love with each other too.

I think the best answer I can get is we will never know. Even when we're married, we will not stop questioning if it is right to marry him/her. It is an unanswerable question.Why? Because knowing he/she is the right one is not a statement you need to go to the next level of your relationship, it is the conclusion you can get after going through everything, literally everything, with him/her. Since conclusion always comes later, deciding to spend your life and grow old with someone is like a gamble. The difference is you cannot quit easily, you've been trapped in wedding vow.
We will only know we have lived our life right or not, marry the right person or not, have a happy enjoyable life or not the second when we close our life for the last time. Because they are all conclusions, not decisions.

That's only my crazy wild speculation, you can have another concept in your head. Follow what your heart and head, both of them. Because finally I found that true love is when your head and heart say and agree for the same thing, true love is when you love someone for both sentimental and rational reasons.

I hope this post helps you. Thanks for reading and sorry for my bad english :p
Have a nice day, readers!

The Best Revenge Is Love

Hate and enemy is packaged into one thing. You have an enemy and you hate him, if you dont hate her then she would be an enemy. I know there are annoying, mean, shifty, savage, unlovable people in our life, but they are there and not going to go away from our life so soon. That’s the fact.

In Matthew 5:44, God ordered us to love our enemy and pray for them who have been being so mean to us. I’m not going to tell you an explanation about how good it will be to have such a golden heart, or any explanation that seems so saintly. 

Hating each other is like a war, and war gets your adrenalin up because you have a rival who will against you. The only ambition in a war is to defeat the enemy. But, what if the enemy is not responding? You will be the silly person who is busy sending war signal into someone who is doing everything else except responding to you. I believe that someday that silly person will be shame to see how silly she was.

Well, I thought the best revenge is to ignore. But, eventually I found that ignorance is the opposite of love, but the best revenge for hatred is to love more. Maybe when you are younger, there was one annoying aunty who loves to kiss you without knowing how much you hate her. What else can be more annoying than a kiss from your one-side enemy? So that I choose to love my former enemy, treat them well, and wish the best for them. If I love them, someday they will be shame for what they have done. Moreover, hatred is not good to be burden. Just let it go. Bringing it everywhere is like bringing foul potatoes. They are gonna spread disgusting smell. 

Now, lesson learnt. I choose to love my enemy and pray for the as God said, for I wanna see them change into something better. I hope now you understand why you better love your enemies. Thanks for reading and sorry for my bad english. :)

The Way We Love

There's a brief story I wanna tell you first.
Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Janette. She had a boyfriend named Calvin. One day, Janette's loveliest dog, Goldy died. She cried and then called her boyfriend. Soon, Calvin came to Janette's home. He told her to stop crying and promised to give her a new lovelier dog than Goldy. Janette became angry, she said "nothing can replace Goldy! All I want is Goldy!" She was disappointed with his words, and didn't understand why he could say such a thing. In the other hand, Calvin was disappointed too, he tried his best to make her happy, but she got angry instead. 
Last valentine, Calvin gave her chocolate and teddy bear. Somehow, Janette was disappointed because she expected red roses. She was on diet and Calvin knew it, why he gave her a chocolate? On the contrary, Calvin thought that roses never means anything to him. He never understands why girls love flower which can die in three days.
On Calvin birthday, Janette bought her a new pair of oxford shoes as a gift. When he opened it, he was disappointed. He was expecting for something about soccer. Or, new video games would be nice. 
Lately, these things happened more frequently. Calvin and Janette start to think that they dont understand each other. Finally, they decided to break up.

Do you think it is a sad familiar story, dont you? It happens to many couples. If someone ask about who's wrong here, girls and boys will blame each other. The truth is, no one is wrong, neither Janette nor Calvin is wrong. They just love each other in different way.

The people I love, they always make me wonder if they love me too. Where does this feeling come from? Actually I found that it is simply because we treat the people we love by the way we want to be treated. But, sadly everyone is thinking the same thing. We used to think that if somebody loves us, they will treat us in a way we express love too, and the fact is everyone have different ideas of expressing love. Just like Calvin and Jannete. Calvin said he gonna buy her a new lovelier dog, because if his dog die, he will love to have a new one, so he think if he does the same for Janette, Janette will know that he loves her. But, Janette think it woul be better if Calvin gives her a hug, comforts her, and listen carefully to her story that time, and after that she will stop crying. Their idea of expressing love are totally different, that's the problem. It is a common misunderstanding, happened to many couples simply because they dont understand that they have different ways of expressing love.

I think, we should love our beloved by the way they want to be loved, just to ensure they know that they are loved. The next question is, how will we know the way they will love to be treated? For our family, we can watch carefully how they treat the people they love then we can conclude how they express their love. But, how about that one former stranger that become so important in your life? That's the BIG problem, we always treat them as a mind-reader and so do they. We always wish for their understanding without saying a word. That's almost impossible, even our significance other will not always have the same idea with us.
I've been there too. I was too proud to tell my ex-significance other the way I love to be treated because I wished he will know it without me telling him. My only idea to solve this problem is to tell and to ask. Tell him/her the way you love to be treated, and ask them how him/her loved to be treated. If he/she doesn't want to tell you and tell you to figure out by yourself, it will be good as long as she/he gives you clues, but if she/he need you figure out of nowhere that will be a beginning for disaster. Well, at least, you have done you part; to tell and to ask.

Today I learn to treat people the way they want to be treated, the way they think love is expressed, just to ensure they know they are loved by me. Will you love to learn that, too? Because I hope that will bring a brighter smile in the faces of our beloved. Don't hesitate to ask them if you cant figure it out, we better ask than being mislead into miscommunication by our thoughts.

That's all I can share today. Sorry for my bad grammar and vocabularies. Everything is too mixed up in my head tonight, just hoping I didn't make any non-sense sentence here. Thanks for reading anyway!
Don't forget to hug our beloved, because look like hug is never a wrong way to express love :)

Because (My) Sisters are Gift

First of all, I'm not posting this after having fun or sharing hugs with my sisters. No.

I was born from a couple that blessed with four daughters, I'm their last. The youngest one. My sisters are considered much older than me. The oldest is 10 years older, the second is 6 years older, and the third is 4 years older than me.

When I was little, my home was full of their laughter and I loved it so. I had no private place because we were sharing bed room. But we're sharing life at the same time. As time went by, my older sister had to move to another city for her further study, years later my two other sister did too. And finally when I was in the last year of Junior High School they had to left me alone at home. Feeling lonely? Of course yeah. I lost the person whom I used to share daily stories, lunch, supper, books, bedroom, clothes, shoes, hugs, everything.
One of the worst feeling I ever felt was having my sister taken by her husband forever. She is still mine, but not fully-mine, just sometimes-mine. Now she has another face to call home, another house to come after work. I'm watching that soon everyone is going to pursue career, find a life partner, move out from home, and finally have their own life. Sad to see this is happening, but this is life. Sometimes life drift some people apart from our life.
My sister and I, we are not always getting along well. We fight sometimes, fight the changes that come. Although at the end, we will understand and accept the changes. They aren't always lovable, but I love them so much, the bad and the good. They aren't always nice, but I love having them around. They aren't always have time for me, but I know I can call them whenever I need them. They are busy now, but I know they are trying to make time for me. They don't always show it, but I know they care about me. They don't always hug me, but I know they love me.
I was not sharing the happiness of falling in love with them, even they got forgotten by me. But when it comes about heart break, they are there to wipe my tears, to force me eating, to make laugh, to convince everything is gonna be alright.

From left: the second, me, the first, the third. Because having them is a blessing!

We fight and we love, we are fighting because we are loving each other. And if they ever gonna read this (and not laugh due to the grammar), let me just say I love you sist.

The Reason Behind

Sometimes in a conversation with someone I dont like, I feel like I wanna punch him straight in the face or spill out drink on her dress. But I ended up never do it. Why? We simply think because that was non-sense, or bad for our reputation. 

Actually, I found it differently. When we stop doing or start doing something, it is because we do it for someone.

My sister loved bitting her nails. That bad habit caused her nails became so ugly. Everyone kept telling her to stop doing it, but she didnt listen to anyone. And someday, she stop bitting her nails, why? Because now she loves herself, she doesn't want to have uglier nails. 

Like many other child, I would find tons of reasons when mom ask me to go to grandma's home with her. Now, I do it happily, simply because I love mom and I dont wanna disappoint her. When I go to grandma's home, which is thing actually I dont like to do, I do it due to my love for mom.

A friend of mine didn't like to wear high heels, even hate to wear school uniform due to its skirt. She was a macho girl (haha) and basketball captain. Years passed by, one day I met her and saw her changes. Now she curls her hair, wears skirt, and makes herself up in almost every way! I talked to her and found she doesnt change much besides her new interest in outer look. She does change because she loves her boyfriend.

Those are some example of changes we do consciously or not. Changes can be bad or good. So, when you care about a person with good things in his/her mind, it will give you good reason to do good things. On the contrary, if your someone special is someone with filthy mind, all you do gonna turns into something bad.

Our human nature is to do sins, but deep down inside our heart God put moral and conscience there. It makes us feeling guilty doing something bad and knowing it is right when we do good things we don't like to do.

To be a better person we have to love a better person with better mind. Since no human is perfect, why still expecting to find one? No one will make you a better person in every single way just like we never inspire people to do well in every single way, things and habits, because we aren't perfect.

To be perfect, we have to love the Perfect One. We all heard this quotes often, "in everything you do, do it for God" but I will tell you, in every thing you shouldn't do, don't do it, for Him. 

Do you think that you love Him? When we really do love somebody, we will think about him/her in everything we do, we will try to make him/her happy by doing things he/she loves and stop doing things he/she hates. All we do is trying to be someone he/she wish can exist in his/her life. This rule works too in loving God. 

So, do you really love Him? Have you loved Him that much? You don't need to say the answer out loud. If you cant find the answer, ask Him.

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their qualities. He knew it already. It was I who didn't." - C.S. Lewis

Sent From Above

I am Christian, not because my religion, but due to my faith in Jesus Christ. Although most of my thoughts contain about God, I'm not a religious person in the eyes of society. I do not go to church every Sunday. I do not post verses in my tweets, or use godly words in my messenger status. I never use t-shirt contains quotes like 'Jesus Army' or 'Army of God', and many other things that can identify me as a Christian.

I was born and grown up in a Christian family, but in the end, it is not my family or ceremony habit that makes a Christian, but God put it in my heart so I choose consciously to be a Christian. His call is inevitable.
For me, being a Christian is about faith and heart. I don't need to post it in twitter, facebook and any other social media. Because I believe He knows I believe in and love Him even if I do not post it on my social media. What society thinks about me is not important, I don't even care if they think I am an atheist, because they are not The One who guarantees my life.

We all do stereotyping. Giving labels. In my society, the Christians usually do not get good labels. They post verses in twitter and facebook, talk about God here and there, always tell people about God, but still use rude words, do gossiping, cheat in test, envy people, and show off the religiosity they think they have.
I do not want to be that kind of person. I do not want to be a kind of No Action Talk Only person. What is the point of being a Christian without loving people? Dont you think it will be better if we let the actions talk? Just do good toward people and someday they will know the reason why we are doing these.
I do everything because of my love for Jesus, I don't want to disappoint Him.

Here I am trying to explain the simple things we use to forget in Christianity. Let me remind you that I am not an expert and never learn about theology. I am opened to any correction, just leave a comment or two and we can have some discussion about the topics I write.

I wish all the readers can understand what I mean despite my bad grammar, hehe. Thanks for reading :)

What Love Is

I've been wondering for days, maybe weeks... or years. What is marriage actually? I used to think, it is finding someone you ever imagine as a live person, then chose him/her as your partner. Yes, we like him/her because what we think he/she has. Maybe you think she loves reading, dancing and watching movies, yeah, maybe she is, but maybe she is not, maybe it is just your imagination. But, after all, you chose to love her, consciously or not.
If someone ask you "why you love him/her?" You will find yourself giving a list of what you like from her/him. Then... How about things you don't like from him/her? What if she don't like to cook, but you love a girl who can make dim sum for you? Usually, we tolerate it, or deceiving ourselves by thinking someday she will learn to make dim sum for us.
Just approve it, when you are gonna marry someone, your only hope is that she/he will not change the habit you like, but will change the habit you don't like. Like, you hope she will always love cooking, dancing and singing, but you wish she will stop forget washing dishes or singing Justin Bieber's songs. Doesn't it true?

There are so many couple out there wishing they are not marrying their partner now. Thinking, "why did I want to marry this crazy silly selfish bastard?" Because when you said 'I do', you just love the good side, and wish all the bad side will vanish someday.

Love is selfish. Now, I agree with it. I said I love him, but actually it just the feeling when he made me happy, but I hate him so much when he didn't meet my expectation. Did you? Or, do you?

When two people get married, they think they don't chose to love, love choses them. But, I found that love is a choice. Marriage is a decision to love someone forever even if he/she change into someone you think you never know, even if she/he change, even if her/his changes are bad or good. It is a decision not to give up on him/her without limit of time, and a promise to be with him/her with all her good and bad side, good and bad times. Marriage should be fulfilled with 'agape' and 'phileo' too, not only 'eros'.

So, to love is a choice, to marry is a decision. Then, logically if we read the previous paragraph, we will think that we can marry random person. Yes, actually we can.
But, some people are easier to be loved, they tend to be called 'loveable'. But to love some other people, we need extra works, extra heartache, extra toleration.
We, human race, have a natural instinct to pick the easier way. That's why we chose a person who is easy to be loved as our partner. Have you ever meet someone who is loved by so many guys or girls? Because they are loveable. You don't need to put so much effort to love her/him.

We all want to be loved, but too stubborn to acknowledge that we are not that loveable, and too arrogant to change our self. We think we hate our self, because we are not loveable, but the way we hate our self, is the way we love our self too. We hate our self for our arrogance, stubbornness, laziness, and everything else, because we know those are bad, and we want our self to change! But we are just too shame to admit that we have a bad personality and have to change. Then we will make excuses for our self to give an exception why we do that, so we don't need to change.
So, first of all, deal with yourself, don't be shame to acknowledge you bad attitudes, then deal with your pride, don't be arrogance and stubborn to change your bad attitudes. Stop making excuses to defend yourself.

Love needs requirements, and everyone has their own requirements to love someone. For an example; for me, it is easier to love someone who can understand my perception of life, has the same faith, strongly hold onto his principles, but realize when to change his bad attitudes. But for my sister it will be easier to love someone who can conquer her, loves japanese music and watching star wars too. See? Everyone has their own requirement, but some people have requirements that are easier to be fulfilled, and some other are just too hard to be fulfilled.
People with easier requirements are easier to love and to be loved. Meanwhile, people with harder requirements are harder to love and to be loved, usually society calls them 'picky'.

Don't forget about check-list system too! If we have 10 requirements, we will make 'minimum border'. Maybe 7 from 10 for me, but maybe 5 from 10 for her, maybe 9 from 10 for him. Everyone has their own minimum border.

Did you ever realize, that requirements and minimum border limit our choices to love someone? That's why we cant love or even like everyone. Because we need them to meet our expectation first so that we can love them. But, do all of them give a damn? The answer is no.

For some cases, people will decrease their requirements and minimum border. For my case, I know I don't need to decrease my requirements and minimum border, but I have to change to be more loveable. Stubborn is when your significance other give up on you but you still don't want to change to be more loveable, by changing your attitude or decreasing you minimum border.

So, marriage at the end, will be the love we found in our parents, love without requirements and limit or so called  'agape'.
Now, I conclude that marriage is a decision to love without requirements and limits.

Maybe, you guys look at your mom and think "how can dad want to marry someone like her?", or maybe you think your dad is sorry to marry her, or maybe your dad once told you not to marry someone like your mom. No, not because your dad doesn't love your mom anymore, but he knows how hard to love someone like her, a difficult person to be loved, and as a parent, he wishes you an easier life than him. That's why he told you to seek someone easier to be loved.

Don't misunderstand that love without requirements and limits don't even wanna change him/her. When you love someone, you constantly wish the best for him/her. It is right when you try to tell her/him to change his/her bad habit or attitude. It is due to your hope that she/he can be a better person. Telling someone his/her bad habit so that they can realize it then change it, is a way of loving.

But at the end, the only thing that constant in life is changes. She is gonna change someday, you too gonna change somehow. The only thing that kept your love constant for her/him is 'to love without requirement'.

I'm still learning it too. I learn to be more loveable, so first of all, me, my self, and I can love myself better. I learn to love without requirements, maybe not for boyfriend for now (you know, if we have choices, we have to chose the easier person to be loved *wink!* ), but to love mom, dad, my sisters, my big family, and my friends without requirements.

Start from today, this minute, this second. Maybe its too late to save a relationship, but never too late to learn this kind of love for a new one.

Sorry for my bad grammar and boring words. It is due to my lack of vocabulary. I promise myself to learn more ;)

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Lost in Love

Lost in love, sounds sweet huh? I'm telling you, that's not sweet, it was...... rather scary, even hazardous.

When you are in love with somebody, you like to listen about him/her. Everything he/she likes will seem interesting to you. Then, you will try to like it too. If she likes novel, you will start to read the books she recommends, maybe she likes pride and prejudice, or to kill a mocking bird, or whatever, you will try to know it if you are really in love. If he likes photography, then you will seek his favorite photography's blog, maybe chase jarvis, or ricko sandy, or whatever, you will try to google it, so at least you know what these guys are doing.
If both of you great, then both of you will continue your own hobbies, sometimes together, sometimes by yourself, but will never stop telling each other and listening to his/her next project stories. What if one of you is not that great? That one gonna lose identity, just like me now.
When I'm so in love, my new hobby is listening to his story, those things seem so interesting, his life and everything he did sound funny and somehow new. Meanwhile, what I was doing just telling him things I done in my past, when i loved novel, when i loved to write, when i loved to do creativity projects.
Girls are more susceptible to play this role. That's why we cry longer, or maybe lose appetite for a month, not knowing what to do, because all we used to do was listening to his stories.
I told him that I love books. Look at what I did, how many books i read for this one year I spent with him, besides medical books? Only one, what a pitty.
I'm not sure if I'm only in a phase of crazily falling in love and after months I will get bored and start to find another hobby besides listening to his daily stories. I know I was a faithful person, even if it is about my hobbies. I never stop loving to read books. I just forgot how it can be so interesting. When I'm with him, all I wanna do was spending time with him, I forgot to how a book can amazed me, and how papercranes' prewedding video can be so touching.
Lost your hobbies is horrible, but the worse part is losing your best friends.
This is a symptoms of unhealthy relationship, when one of you, or even both of you, start to lose contact with your best friends. I did. I think everyone once did once upon a time when they were so in love. You didn't enjoy the time you spent with your friends, maybe physically you were with your friends,  but you were secretly hoping you can meet him/her soon, or at least back to your room and text or skype him/her. In a project meeting all you wished for was that unimportant-silly-boring meeting can be ended soon. You just wished can be with him literally every seconds.
This is a secret, but let me tell you something. When you realize you don't even wanna have some me-time, or he is in on your me-time plan, you are lost in love. And this is dangerous.
The worst scenario is losing your identity. How to define losing identity in love? You begin to describe yourself as a person he/she always told you you are. That was not you, that was you in his/her mind.

So, after read this post, are you one of those lost-in-love people? I was.
Lost-in-love people used to have greater heart break, overly attached syndrome, and prolonged heart break. But don't worry, I can overcome it, so I believe you can do too!

Maybe you think, in a normal relationship, you better spend more time together. But I used to think like this before I lost in love (and I back to this theory now), if both of you meant to be together, you still have years ahead to be spent with him/her. Dont rush into things. I can say it because I was, but I wish I didn't.

Finally, all I can say is thanks for reading and I hope you are not going to lost in love!
Sorry for my bad grammar anyway :p