My Last Teenage Year!

I used to hate 9th of October, but maybe I kinda love this 9th of October. 

Ninth of October was never a good day for me, although it is my birthday. I usually got more disappointments on 9th of October and it became sort of traumatic for me. But, this 9th of October is different. 
Lately, I realize that I got such disappointment because I expected too much on that day. I used to think in "today-is-my-day-and-everything-should-be-done-as-I-wish" way which is will not ever happen. But this year is different, this year I think that 9th of October is not a special day, it is just a day when I was born years ago, so how could this day become so special to every human being? Impossible.

I am actually in love and hate relationship with this one year experience. This one year is the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year for me, but at the same time I love it because God answer my deepest prayer. The way He made this year as the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year is the way He answers my prayer.

I had spent 19 years focusing on myself. Each night and day I prayed for my happiness, grades, and everything else about myself. Anything I asked from Him was for my own. The only one I wanted to please was no one but myself. In 19 years of my life, I always got reasons not to be happy. It is true that I lived that 19 years in vanity and emptiness as I tried to please myself. 
On the last years, I prayed for the same thing over and over again. I prayed that He will change me into someone He would love to see in me. I did not know what I asked for.

When He finally said yes to my prayer, He let me experience the lowest point of my life. I saw my life broke down into pieces, I tried to put it all together again, but it only hurt me even more. I tried my best and it was still not enough. Everything was uncontrollable, everything was messed up, then I was broken into pieces. At some point in life, I surrendered and realized that I can do nothing in life. I felt so small and fragile, and I got no place to run away. All I can do was crying and asking God to let it all happen in His way, because I have learned that my ways brought new problems for me. He let me know that the one I can rely on is not my self, that I am small and fragile, but I got Savior and all I need to do is asking Him to do it all for me because I am not capable for it. 

Maybe this is gonna be the most absurd post I ever post, I'm so sleepy right now. I just wanna say thanks to Him for these wonderful 19 years in my life. I wanna thanking Him because He never gives up on me, He never stops working on me, and the most important thing is I want everybody knows that He is my one and only, that I am so lucky to have Him in my life. I got the immeasurable grace and I am thankful.
Thanks God, for everything You let to happen in my life.