Finding My True Love

True love does sound good. I always secretly wish to find my true love. I imagined my true love is a gentleman with great love and great taste, ready to love beyond my imperfection at anytime, whatever my condition is. That was how I imagined true love until this morning.

I am not good at relationship, in fact I never stay in a relationship longer than a year. When I find something wrong in a relationship, usually I become doubtful, then if he cant convince me that everything will be alright I will leave soon. Maybe it's because I don't want to take the risk of spending the rest of my life with a wrong person. In attempt to know how deep is his love, I usually act super annoying and cranky for days to see if he will keep on loving me. I swear I didn't do this intentionally to test them, I did it without ever knowing why but just because I want to and I need to. Some of the guys leave me, some other stay but could not convince me. By all ways, I always leave.

Recently, I promised myself to take some long me-time. I kinda feel bad for never succeed a relationship, I started thinking that the mistakes were on me and not the guys. I realized that I wish too much from them to love me unconditionally. If it is too much to ask for an unconditional love, maybe I will never meet my true love. All I wish for is an unconditional love, because I know that I am not perfect. I was afraid someday my lover will start counting my flaws then he will decide to leave.

This morning, I was thinking that maybe unconditional love is too much to ask for and no man is capable of it. But, how come? My heart is crying for it. God was so cruel if He put a desire in my heart that impossible to be satisfied. Then He told me, "the one you have been looking for is Me!" As soon as possible He made it crystal clear.
All these year, I was crying for unconditional love, I was crying for Him. Only God can give me unconditional love, not matter how much I sinned, how annoying and cranky I can be, He still chooses to love me unconditionally. That moment, I know my quest was over. I have met my true love, The One who will and has loved me unconditionally.

Thank you God, for loving me unconditionally.

Do you know? He loves you unconditionally, too!

Between Demand and Request

I think we all know the difference between demand and request, they have a big difference. Recently, I know the difference is even bigger when it comes about apology.

The definition of demand is ‘a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you', meanwhile request is ‘the act of asking for something’.

When it comes about apology, do you DEMAND or REQUEST for forgiveness? Let this question be a reflection for each of us.

There was a day when somebody hurt me, I was mad, even more than mad, I was disappointed. He did say sorry, but it was hard for me to forgive him. I remained silent for some other days, but then when we met, he said “why do you still angry at me? I have said sorry.”  Then he grumbled some more. 

At that point, I realize that most of us demand forgiveness. He demands something he doesn't deserve, but he thinks it is his right to be forgiven. Maybe it is in our mindset that if we apologize, we must be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift for a gentle request, but most of us forget it. Forgiveness is something we don't deserve, but given by mercy. For that reason, we should cherish every forgiveness given to us.

We often do the same thing to God, we pray for something, but then when we don't get it, anger creeps into our heart. It was a demand, not a request. We demand God to forgive us, we demand God to bless us, we demand God to do something for us. We have no right for heaven or for blessings, but God gives it anyway. When we ask for something but don't get it, we should not be furious for it is not our right, but be grateful when He gives it for it is a gift. That’s why anybody who gets His forgiveness should be thankful, because He is being generous. He gives us something we don't deserve. 

So, ask for forgiveness, and cherish it when it is given to you. Close your eyes and say "thank you God for your forgiveness although I don't deserve it" from your deepest heart.

Chronic Heartache

In medical, definition of chronic is a disease or condition that persistent for a long time, for some disease we determine a disease is chronic within three months. But, today I am not going to talk about anything medical.

Heartache, derived from heart and ache, is not a medical term, but more or less means an emotion of heart break, love sickness.

I use this term to define love sickness that persistent for a long time, and sadly I just realize that I probably suffer from chronic heartache.

Heartache is not always come from a lover, it may come from friends, siblings, or parents. Even actually, many of us suffer chronic heartache from parents, sibling, or friends the most. We may or may not know the seed of the chronic heartache, but the thing is we feel it. I feel it, and I knew the seed of my chronic heartache.

I am struggling with my heartache, I wanna be freed from it. Sadly, I had no idea how to accomplish it.

"I consciously know that they do not mean to hurt me, even they do it to show their love for me, but it is not the way I need to be loved. When I told them how I want to be loved, they ignore it. I think that was the hurtful moment, not what they did in the first place. I gave another temptation to tell them the same thing, they didn't take it seriously. So, I cried in frustration, a lot of times."

It is terrible, isn't it? Not yet, the worst thing is not knowing either to solve it or flee from it. Frustration is creeping in, tears start falling, then heart begin to close.

I am really sorry, but I can not tell you how to solve this situation, I'm trying too. One thing keeps me still standing and smiling, it is faith. I only rely on Him, believing someday He will make everything better not bitter. I do not stop praying, changes need time and I believe He is working on it. I have faith, because I know He loves me and wants the best for me. So if He did not take this away from me, He has a plan about me involving it! 

I believe He loves you too, so don't lose faith in Him :)

Kindhearted or just OK?

Some researches show that we tend to think that we are better than we actually are. Another random fact, we usually claim to have a kind heart or at least nice, never break the state law, never kill, never divorce, etc

Are we kindhearted or just OK? Definition of a kindhearted is having or showing a kind and gentle nature. Is it? For me it's like the sentence isn't complete yet. It should be 'having or showing a kind and gentle nature constantly and for all'. 

To be a kindhearted is to show a lovely actions for everybody and constantly, never being absent and especially for a reason 'we are only human'. Yes, we are human, a kindhearted human. 

Maybe not most, just some people tend be kind to people who kind to them. It doesn't take a kindhearted guy to do that, everybody does. But to be kindhearted is to be kind to whom who has been unkind to us.
Kind actions should be constant. Being a kindhearted is not depending on our mood, do not let our mood drive our actions and ruin our days.

Being kind isn't an easy-peasy thing, it sure take commitment, lots of practice, and prayers, still I believe it will be worth it. Why? Because He wants us to be.

In this instant super short post I only wanna tell you two things I wrote above because I think that was important. For specific definition of being kindhearted and only nice, you can seek it on Bible, it has all the details. Hoping I can write about it someday. 
Have a nice day!

How To Complete Everyday

I'm on holiday now and get pretty much leisure time. Most of my time i spent to read new books, fiction, cooking, poems, etc. I also spent plenty time going outside and hanging out with friends and my sisters. Other things I usually do are looking at social media (try to catch up with the latest trends and issues, of course), listening to new songs (I kinda love Onerepublic's Something I Need and Clean Bandit's Rather Be right now) and old songs (I'm a big fan of Jazz! Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennet, Rod Stewart, Michael Bublé, I love them), also doing research in my campus and nearest hospital. Everyday I tried to spend my day with positive activities, and I still at the end of the day I felt something was missing. I was feeling rather empty. How it can be with a day full of activities?

At some point, I just tired with all those new songs, none sounded like good enough to be listened. And all that books? I felt they are useless and unimportant. So, I back to my all time favorite, newest Hillsong album that I've been listening almost everyday since February or March, and... my bible. I found that what Apostle Paul wrote approximately 2000 years ago is more interesting than Tatler newest restaurant review. Absolutely the Bible also contains something very important and everlasting. Hanging out with friend is always great, but I felt like I miss somebody else.

Deep inside, I knew what I was missing. I just simply miss Him.

These day, I only pray in the morning, before eating, and before sleeping. Rarely I pray something in between those times. I was too busy making myself busy to keep my mind busy from something that I better not think or remember. I miss Him and it made my day incomplete.

Have you ever feel like feeling empty even though you got a pretty good busy day? Sometimes I do, and for me the only thing that helps is praying. It does not just help, praying cures. If you ever feel so, talk to God, I believe He misses you too.

My Total Freedom

One day in December 2012, I drew a picture of a bird in a golden cage. The cage was beautiful, it was made of golden, but the bird couldn't fly and it didn't happy. I meant it for myself, thinking that I couldn't do everything because I didn't get the freedom I always dreaming of. Back to December 2012, it was true that I couldn't go anywhere and couldn't do anything I wanted. I thought those were the reasons of my unhappy feelings. I did complain about everything.

December 2013, I did everything I want, got anything I wish for, but I realize those were not the reasons of my happiness. I am not only happy, I am more than that. I am full of joy now. Where this all comes from? I cannot think of anybody but Him. I got my life saved by The Savior, it is the best reason to be happy. Moreover,He gives a right reason to life! It puts joy in my heart forever. I got a best friend and His name is Jesus. He always with me and never leaves me alone. That's enough to make me smile everyday.

Today, freedom for me is not going anywhere nor doing anything. Freedom is when my happiness is not depend on other people. Freedom is when i don't live for wrong reasons. Recently I found out that I cant feel any confusion anymore, in everything i see Him and He supplies me with never ending joy. There are tons of reason to be grateful and it all comes from Him.

Looking back, I don't wanna come back there, it was frightening. In my imagination it was a dark maze full of sticky green slime and lack of oxygen, but I couldn't see it before, or worse than that, I chose not to see. Thank You for opening my eyes. Thank You for setting me free. Thank You for never giving up on me.

I supposed to post this on December 2013 as a closing for 2013, too bad I was home and too busy meeting my hometownies :p
Anyway, happy new year! I believe that 2014 will be awesome because our God stays mighty as always. Have a blessed 2014!