Not a Mistake

Been long since the last time I wrote anything about love, I've been avoiding it for quite sometime. But today, I have something to share.

What is the worst part of a relationship?
For me, it's always the ending.
No matter how hard you try to make a clear nice breakup, still there is no easy breakup. No matter how hard you pretend to be OK, you lose yourself control at some point. No matter how hard you try to remain friends, it will not be the same, at least for a while.
And the worst thing about the ending isn't the break up, it's when you lose him.
When you love somebody and make that person special, you give him some space in your life, often you give him a big space. So, when he walks away from your daily life, there will be a big hole left. That is the most hurtful moment, but maybe letting go is a part of loving.
As I once write, there is no unbutton love. Once you love somebody, you love him for a life time, but maybe the intensity can change. If you don't love him anymore, maybe actually you never really did.

At times I should face my most hurtful moment, I cried. Still I believe, that what had happened isn't a mistake.


This was written on October 2014, when I was facing a heart break. I kept it for a long time, not wanting to post it on emotional state because I was afraid of not being objective to evaluate it as an encouraging post. This is actually what I kept telling myself on my attempt to move on, that everything was not a mistake and I learned something from it. I hope you can also believe that your heart breaks, your exes, your past relationships are not mistakes, but the things God let to happen in your life in order to teach you something valuable.

Dora

Her nickname is Dora, from Theodora. She's kinda look alike Dora the explorer, but much smarter, prettier, wiser and lovelier. She has a mini body with a big heart and wide mind. She is a friend of mine.

Everybody has ego they want to feed, so did I. There were times when I was in a fight and i felt like being right was the only thing I wanted. I was the right side and I didn't I wanna say sorry. She/he should be the one to apologize, and if I was kind enough I will forgive her/him. I bet you once (or twice or even more) felt the same way! That's our big ego which will grow bigger and bigger if we keep feeding them. Do you know how troublesome big ego is? Troublesome for other, really troublesome for whom it belongs.

One day I was in a fight with my mom, she told me the truth that I need to hear, but I refused to hear it. She told that I was never nice, I got angry easily and others. They were not nice words to be heard, but a truth needed to be told. I hated to believe in those words, but I hated it because it was true. Deep inside my heart I knew that was true, but still I was a coward. I told my friend that story and she said that my mom was wrong, I knew she tried to comfort me, but I didn't feel that it was right for me to be comforted because I actually also agreed with what my mom said about me. That way I realised that I was a coward and needed someone to encourage me to swallow my pride, bear with the truth and say sorry. Then I told God in my prayer, "God, please give me a friend who will make me better in your way, the one who dare to say the truth no matter it is nice to my ear or not as long as it is needed to be told, the one who will strengthen me with Your words when I'm in trouble, the one who will lead me back to You when I'm lost. The one who love You so much so that she can be a good friend." God granted my prayer, He sent me some people who does so. One of them is Dora.

Now, every time I was angry over something or in a fight with someone, I call her first, because I know she will tell the truth and remind me the right thing to do. Most of the times, the right things to do were the least things I want to do. It was hard to swallow my pride and stop feeding my ego, but it did bring a better time.

We all do need a friend like Dora, someone who will make us better in His way, the one who dare to say the truth no matter it is nice to our ear or not as long as it is needed to be told, the one who will strengthen us with His words when we're in trouble, the one who will lead us back to Him when we're lost. The one who love Him so much so that she can be a good friend because His love enables her to do so.
Pray to Him for a friend like that, the one who will help us climb the mountain, not dragging us down.

Tonight I will pray to God and ask Him to send you a friend like my Dora, I hope God will grant my wish and your Dora will arrive soon in your life :)

Dear Dora, if you ever read this post, I want to tell you that I am really glad for your presence in my life. Stay humble and lovely, I thank God for sending you.

Between Demand and Request

I think we all know the difference between demand and request, they have a big difference. Recently, I know the difference is even bigger when it comes about apology.

The definition of demand is ‘a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you', meanwhile request is ‘the act of asking for something’.

When it comes about apology, do you DEMAND or REQUEST for forgiveness? Let this question be a reflection for each of us.

There was a day when somebody hurt me, I was mad, even more than mad, I was disappointed. He did say sorry, but it was hard for me to forgive him. I remained silent for some other days, but then when we met, he said “why do you still angry at me? I have said sorry.”  Then he grumbled some more. 

At that point, I realize that most of us demand forgiveness. He demands something he doesn't deserve, but he thinks it is his right to be forgiven. Maybe it is in our mindset that if we apologize, we must be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift for a gentle request, but most of us forget it. Forgiveness is something we don't deserve, but given by mercy. For that reason, we should cherish every forgiveness given to us.

We often do the same thing to God, we pray for something, but then when we don't get it, anger creeps into our heart. It was a demand, not a request. We demand God to forgive us, we demand God to bless us, we demand God to do something for us. We have no right for heaven or for blessings, but God gives it anyway. When we ask for something but don't get it, we should not be furious for it is not our right, but be grateful when He gives it for it is a gift. That’s why anybody who gets His forgiveness should be thankful, because He is being generous. He gives us something we don't deserve. 

So, ask for forgiveness, and cherish it when it is given to you. Close your eyes and say "thank you God for your forgiveness although I don't deserve it" from your deepest heart.

Kindhearted or just OK?

Some researches show that we tend to think that we are better than we actually are. Another random fact, we usually claim to have a kind heart or at least nice, never break the state law, never kill, never divorce, etc

Are we kindhearted or just OK? Definition of a kindhearted is having or showing a kind and gentle nature. Is it? For me it's like the sentence isn't complete yet. It should be 'having or showing a kind and gentle nature constantly and for all'. 

To be a kindhearted is to show a lovely actions for everybody and constantly, never being absent and especially for a reason 'we are only human'. Yes, we are human, a kindhearted human. 

Maybe not most, just some people tend be kind to people who kind to them. It doesn't take a kindhearted guy to do that, everybody does. But to be kindhearted is to be kind to whom who has been unkind to us.
Kind actions should be constant. Being a kindhearted is not depending on our mood, do not let our mood drive our actions and ruin our days.

Being kind isn't an easy-peasy thing, it sure take commitment, lots of practice, and prayers, still I believe it will be worth it. Why? Because He wants us to be.

In this instant super short post I only wanna tell you two things I wrote above because I think that was important. For specific definition of being kindhearted and only nice, you can seek it on Bible, it has all the details. Hoping I can write about it someday. 
Have a nice day!

Fight or Flight!

In medicine, we have one specific hormone called "flight or fight" hormone. It is called adrenaline. It increases heart rate and makes us become more alert. Actually, I don't wanna talk about the hormone itself, this time I wanna talk about the real fight or flight in life. There will always problems come to life, we cant choose what kind of problem that will come to our life. But we can choose to fight or to flight.

Looking back, I think most of the time I chose to flight. It is easier to runaway from problems, just be home, hug your mom, watch movies and read novels to forget your problems. I was deceiving myself, kept telling myself that my life was okay, but actually it was not. I chose to be alone, so that no one can hurt me. My buddy told me that she saw me building a wall, so that people cannot approach me. I didn't realize it before, but one thing that I know for sure, I don't want people to have pity on me.

Now that I am away from home, where can I flee from all these things? Deep inside, it haunted me all the time. I started to seek God more frequently, I thought I need another hidden place to runaway. But God is never a hidden place, He doesn't let me runaway from my problems. When I prayed to Him to let go all my problems, He didn't say yes to it. Instead, He stays with me and strengthens me, then helps me to fight my problems.

Romans 8:37
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."

My God is the real King, He doesn't let His child to be a chicken or a loser. Bible says, Jesus makes me more than a winner. To be a winner, first of all I have to fight the battle. In every fight, I got hurt that I wanna cry out loud and quit. Again, He doesn't let me quit, He wants me to reach the final and be more than a winner. He strengthens me in every fights, He gives me comfort and heals my wounds. The most important thing is I am closer to Him as He leads me in every fight and I can learn to become more like Him.

At the end of the days, I just can say "thanks God, for letting all these things happened in my life." Because I know that His plans are the best for me, that right now He is changing me into someone He would love to see in me.

Let me quoted some from C.S. Lewis
"God allow us to experience lowest points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way."

Instead of my miserable english, I hope the readers can understand what I wrote here. Fight your battles guys, but remember you cannot do it alone. That is why you need Him, He will lead you, heal you, comfort you and make you more than a winner. Have a blessed day, readers!

Wake Up For A Commitment

One day, I woke up from my nap. This time I'm not dreaming about anything, but soon after waking up I start thinking "what should I do with my life?". Then I realized two important things. First, that I concern about this thing more than I realized, it haunted me under my consciousness. Second, soon after the first question popped up in my head, the answer came, I realized I had made a commitment. Maybe I should say it is a BIG commitment. 

A year ago, when I signed my university form, I had made a commitment to be a doctor, or at least to be a doctor in progress. I didn't make any pact about being a doctor with the university, nor my parents, but to God and myself. Once I'm in, I should do my best. No, I have to do my best. 

I realized that in 3 years I will have long holiday no more and my life will full of about medicine thingy everyday, anywhere, anytime. Actually, this is a choice. You still can quit from this medicine world, you can quit now, you can quit tomorrow, you can quit anytime. Taking medicine education doesn't mean you will work in a medicine world, having a doctor degree doesn't mean you will work as a doctor. It's all up to you. I saw some of my friends taking medicine education, but still wondering about what should they do in life. They tried to convince them self that taking medicine education is a right choice, in fact they're not really in. Maybe out of 100, maybe just 10 of us that really know the reason why they want to be a doctor from the beginning, the ninety others are still wondering, convincing and reasoning.
It takes courage to admit that we're still questioning if we really want to be a doctor, and it takes time to decide whether we want to stay or leave. But, above all we need support and approval from our beloved people. 

I chose to stay, to involve, to explore medicine world, and to do my best in it. I really hope that everybody who still stand in something in between will soon get the best decision. Take your time and encourage your self, the choices is yours, the answers are only can be found in you, not your parents, not your significance other, not your friends. Choices are unlimited, I guarantee you, but every choices has its consequences. Choices are unlimited, our capability of the consequences is. Choose wisely and have a good day, readers!

Sisterhood: When We Start to Drift Apart

Sisterhood is like sweet treats for my life. It is always one of my favorite part of life.

My sisters and I, we fight like best friends and nurture like parents. One of the best parts of sisterhood is sharing secrets. We are girls, and somehow girls love sharing secrets. I think, girls use it as a form of trust. I remember the days when we had not had smartphones, skype, or even mobile phones, I was 10 years old that day. Corresponding was the only way to tell stories. Each week I wrote a letter to my oldest sister, told her story about my annoying friend, my teachers, my best friends, everything that seemed so important to me that she should know and everything I wanted to tell her. My oldest sister was my best-est friend.

When I was younger, my sisters are my best friends, not my mom. I barely told my mom about my friends or school life, I told her only the important things, like good grades or teacher's compliments. But, my oldest sister's best friend is mom. And later, one by one, so did my other sisters. I didn't understand why until I figured it out by my self. As we grew up, my sister and I have our own path way and become the person we should be. We are different now, and there were times when we found each other strangers. At that times, only mom who never rejects us, who can accept our changes even when our sisters have not accept it yet.

The differences that made us someone we should be, the differences in society and friends, interests, and campus life brought us drifted apart. We took times to understand each other, but mom done it faster than anybody. So, now mom is the center of our sisterhood cycle. Lately I realized, that we begin to shared less secrets. We share some, and keep some. Is this a part of having our own life? Soon I understand that when we get married, or get into relationship, we will keep some little secrets from sisterhood. But, we just cannot hide it from mom.

It is not that we trust our sisters less. It is just we realize that we haven't reached the point where we can sharing stories without giving judgements yet. We are not that wise at this age, so that we learn it from mom. Still I miss those days, when we were awake until midnight watching movies and telling stories.

Changes, we cannot avoid it, and we better not avoid it. It may seems somehow bad at first, but I believe those are parts of process leading into something better in life. The changes between us, I want to believe it is for something better. I do not trust them less, I even love them more. Eventually, I believe that trust which earned in silence is more precious than gold.

Hey readers, are you having the same condition with me? Take my words, you may seemed drifted apart, but sisterhood never dies, even strengthen in that time. :)

People: Our Mirror

People say that the one we know the least is our self, I agree with it!

I can define my sisters well, can describe my parents until the little detail, can list what kind of human-being my friends are, but strangely I cannot find the right words to define my self.
Maybe you think you can describe yourself, I thought I can. Actually, my description of my self was not the real me, it was someone I wanna be. And sometimes, I adopt people's definition of me. Me, my self and I cannot really have a word to define the real me.

Imagine your self now, your face, your body, what you wear. I bet your imagination of yourself was not your self after cleaning the house, it must be your self in the mirror or photograph before you go to parties, using the best dress and make up. Most of the time, we don't wanna remember how we look after cleaning the house or gardening or doing something sweaty because it doesn't look good. Well, we do the same about our description of our self. We think about the best qualities in us.  Unconsciously, we used to deny the bad side of us, or at least make it sounds a little better with putting reasons.

We will not know our self until we look at the mirror. People is our mirror, what they said about us is a reflection of what we did. We are what we did, not what we think. We can think about the very best thing, being an idealist, but what we did is what matter the most. People is not mind reader, society just can define you by what you do assuming it is the result of your thoughts. In fact, what we do without thinking is the real us. Meanwhile, what we do after thinking is who we wanna be or someone we think we should be.

People is our mirror, but not all mirror is accurate. Some mirror make us look skinnier, or fatter. To know yourself, you have to know which mirror is accurate. Neither choose the ones who show only your best, you will a proud arrogant person, nor choose the ones who show only your bad, it will bring you down. Choose the one who accurate. I think the accurate one is someone who always be with us all the time, see our bad also our best, a part of your growing up process, and know us inside outside, the real us, someone we wanna be, and someone we should be. 

For me, it is my mom, dad, sisters, old friends of mine, and my current society for I am away from home. They are who affected by what I did, I listen to them, because I want to be someone better for everyone and also myself. That's the point why we have to have a good family, choose good friends and society. Yes, we cannot choose our family, but we do choose our friends and society we involve into. It is the reason why a broken home person is easier to be tolerated than someone who get broken by his society and friends.

After all, choose the right mirror that can reflect you precisely. After seeing your self, you can accept the truth, and change what you don't like. It wont happen in a week, or a months. It takes time and processes, be patient, be faithful, keep going on processes, and someday you will find your self incredibly amazing. :)

The Best Revenge Is Love

Hate and enemy is packaged into one thing. You have an enemy and you hate him, if you dont hate her then she would be an enemy. I know there are annoying, mean, shifty, savage, unlovable people in our life, but they are there and not going to go away from our life so soon. That’s the fact.

In Matthew 5:44, God ordered us to love our enemy and pray for them who have been being so mean to us. I’m not going to tell you an explanation about how good it will be to have such a golden heart, or any explanation that seems so saintly. 

Hating each other is like a war, and war gets your adrenalin up because you have a rival who will against you. The only ambition in a war is to defeat the enemy. But, what if the enemy is not responding? You will be the silly person who is busy sending war signal into someone who is doing everything else except responding to you. I believe that someday that silly person will be shame to see how silly she was.

Well, I thought the best revenge is to ignore. But, eventually I found that ignorance is the opposite of love, but the best revenge for hatred is to love more. Maybe when you are younger, there was one annoying aunty who loves to kiss you without knowing how much you hate her. What else can be more annoying than a kiss from your one-side enemy? So that I choose to love my former enemy, treat them well, and wish the best for them. If I love them, someday they will be shame for what they have done. Moreover, hatred is not good to be burden. Just let it go. Bringing it everywhere is like bringing foul potatoes. They are gonna spread disgusting smell. 

Now, lesson learnt. I choose to love my enemy and pray for the as God said, for I wanna see them change into something better. I hope now you understand why you better love your enemies. Thanks for reading and sorry for my bad english. :)

The Way We Love

There's a brief story I wanna tell you first.
Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Janette. She had a boyfriend named Calvin. One day, Janette's loveliest dog, Goldy died. She cried and then called her boyfriend. Soon, Calvin came to Janette's home. He told her to stop crying and promised to give her a new lovelier dog than Goldy. Janette became angry, she said "nothing can replace Goldy! All I want is Goldy!" She was disappointed with his words, and didn't understand why he could say such a thing. In the other hand, Calvin was disappointed too, he tried his best to make her happy, but she got angry instead. 
Last valentine, Calvin gave her chocolate and teddy bear. Somehow, Janette was disappointed because she expected red roses. She was on diet and Calvin knew it, why he gave her a chocolate? On the contrary, Calvin thought that roses never means anything to him. He never understands why girls love flower which can die in three days.
On Calvin birthday, Janette bought her a new pair of oxford shoes as a gift. When he opened it, he was disappointed. He was expecting for something about soccer. Or, new video games would be nice. 
Lately, these things happened more frequently. Calvin and Janette start to think that they dont understand each other. Finally, they decided to break up.

Do you think it is a sad familiar story, dont you? It happens to many couples. If someone ask about who's wrong here, girls and boys will blame each other. The truth is, no one is wrong, neither Janette nor Calvin is wrong. They just love each other in different way.

The people I love, they always make me wonder if they love me too. Where does this feeling come from? Actually I found that it is simply because we treat the people we love by the way we want to be treated. But, sadly everyone is thinking the same thing. We used to think that if somebody loves us, they will treat us in a way we express love too, and the fact is everyone have different ideas of expressing love. Just like Calvin and Jannete. Calvin said he gonna buy her a new lovelier dog, because if his dog die, he will love to have a new one, so he think if he does the same for Janette, Janette will know that he loves her. But, Janette think it woul be better if Calvin gives her a hug, comforts her, and listen carefully to her story that time, and after that she will stop crying. Their idea of expressing love are totally different, that's the problem. It is a common misunderstanding, happened to many couples simply because they dont understand that they have different ways of expressing love.

I think, we should love our beloved by the way they want to be loved, just to ensure they know that they are loved. The next question is, how will we know the way they will love to be treated? For our family, we can watch carefully how they treat the people they love then we can conclude how they express their love. But, how about that one former stranger that become so important in your life? That's the BIG problem, we always treat them as a mind-reader and so do they. We always wish for their understanding without saying a word. That's almost impossible, even our significance other will not always have the same idea with us.
I've been there too. I was too proud to tell my ex-significance other the way I love to be treated because I wished he will know it without me telling him. My only idea to solve this problem is to tell and to ask. Tell him/her the way you love to be treated, and ask them how him/her loved to be treated. If he/she doesn't want to tell you and tell you to figure out by yourself, it will be good as long as she/he gives you clues, but if she/he need you figure out of nowhere that will be a beginning for disaster. Well, at least, you have done you part; to tell and to ask.

Today I learn to treat people the way they want to be treated, the way they think love is expressed, just to ensure they know they are loved by me. Will you love to learn that, too? Because I hope that will bring a brighter smile in the faces of our beloved. Don't hesitate to ask them if you cant figure it out, we better ask than being mislead into miscommunication by our thoughts.

That's all I can share today. Sorry for my bad grammar and vocabularies. Everything is too mixed up in my head tonight, just hoping I didn't make any non-sense sentence here. Thanks for reading anyway!
Don't forget to hug our beloved, because look like hug is never a wrong way to express love :)

The Reason Behind

Sometimes in a conversation with someone I dont like, I feel like I wanna punch him straight in the face or spill out drink on her dress. But I ended up never do it. Why? We simply think because that was non-sense, or bad for our reputation. 

Actually, I found it differently. When we stop doing or start doing something, it is because we do it for someone.

My sister loved bitting her nails. That bad habit caused her nails became so ugly. Everyone kept telling her to stop doing it, but she didnt listen to anyone. And someday, she stop bitting her nails, why? Because now she loves herself, she doesn't want to have uglier nails. 

Like many other child, I would find tons of reasons when mom ask me to go to grandma's home with her. Now, I do it happily, simply because I love mom and I dont wanna disappoint her. When I go to grandma's home, which is thing actually I dont like to do, I do it due to my love for mom.

A friend of mine didn't like to wear high heels, even hate to wear school uniform due to its skirt. She was a macho girl (haha) and basketball captain. Years passed by, one day I met her and saw her changes. Now she curls her hair, wears skirt, and makes herself up in almost every way! I talked to her and found she doesnt change much besides her new interest in outer look. She does change because she loves her boyfriend.

Those are some example of changes we do consciously or not. Changes can be bad or good. So, when you care about a person with good things in his/her mind, it will give you good reason to do good things. On the contrary, if your someone special is someone with filthy mind, all you do gonna turns into something bad.

Our human nature is to do sins, but deep down inside our heart God put moral and conscience there. It makes us feeling guilty doing something bad and knowing it is right when we do good things we don't like to do.

To be a better person we have to love a better person with better mind. Since no human is perfect, why still expecting to find one? No one will make you a better person in every single way just like we never inspire people to do well in every single way, things and habits, because we aren't perfect.

To be perfect, we have to love the Perfect One. We all heard this quotes often, "in everything you do, do it for God" but I will tell you, in every thing you shouldn't do, don't do it, for Him. 

Do you think that you love Him? When we really do love somebody, we will think about him/her in everything we do, we will try to make him/her happy by doing things he/she loves and stop doing things he/she hates. All we do is trying to be someone he/she wish can exist in his/her life. This rule works too in loving God. 

So, do you really love Him? Have you loved Him that much? You don't need to say the answer out loud. If you cant find the answer, ask Him.

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their qualities. He knew it already. It was I who didn't." - C.S. Lewis