My Last Teenage Year!

I used to hate 9th of October, but maybe I kinda love this 9th of October. 

Ninth of October was never a good day for me, although it is my birthday. I usually got more disappointments on 9th of October and it became sort of traumatic for me. But, this 9th of October is different. 
Lately, I realize that I got such disappointment because I expected too much on that day. I used to think in "today-is-my-day-and-everything-should-be-done-as-I-wish" way which is will not ever happen. But this year is different, this year I think that 9th of October is not a special day, it is just a day when I was born years ago, so how could this day become so special to every human being? Impossible.

I am actually in love and hate relationship with this one year experience. This one year is the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year for me, but at the same time I love it because God answer my deepest prayer. The way He made this year as the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year is the way He answers my prayer.

I had spent 19 years focusing on myself. Each night and day I prayed for my happiness, grades, and everything else about myself. Anything I asked from Him was for my own. The only one I wanted to please was no one but myself. In 19 years of my life, I always got reasons not to be happy. It is true that I lived that 19 years in vanity and emptiness as I tried to please myself. 
On the last years, I prayed for the same thing over and over again. I prayed that He will change me into someone He would love to see in me. I did not know what I asked for.

When He finally said yes to my prayer, He let me experience the lowest point of my life. I saw my life broke down into pieces, I tried to put it all together again, but it only hurt me even more. I tried my best and it was still not enough. Everything was uncontrollable, everything was messed up, then I was broken into pieces. At some point in life, I surrendered and realized that I can do nothing in life. I felt so small and fragile, and I got no place to run away. All I can do was crying and asking God to let it all happen in His way, because I have learned that my ways brought new problems for me. He let me know that the one I can rely on is not my self, that I am small and fragile, but I got Savior and all I need to do is asking Him to do it all for me because I am not capable for it. 

Maybe this is gonna be the most absurd post I ever post, I'm so sleepy right now. I just wanna say thanks to Him for these wonderful 19 years in my life. I wanna thanking Him because He never gives up on me, He never stops working on me, and the most important thing is I want everybody knows that He is my one and only, that I am so lucky to have Him in my life. I got the immeasurable grace and I am thankful.
Thanks God, for everything You let to happen in my life.

Fight or Flight!

In medicine, we have one specific hormone called "flight or fight" hormone. It is called adrenaline. It increases heart rate and makes us become more alert. Actually, I don't wanna talk about the hormone itself, this time I wanna talk about the real fight or flight in life. There will always problems come to life, we cant choose what kind of problem that will come to our life. But we can choose to fight or to flight.

Looking back, I think most of the time I chose to flight. It is easier to runaway from problems, just be home, hug your mom, watch movies and read novels to forget your problems. I was deceiving myself, kept telling myself that my life was okay, but actually it was not. I chose to be alone, so that no one can hurt me. My buddy told me that she saw me building a wall, so that people cannot approach me. I didn't realize it before, but one thing that I know for sure, I don't want people to have pity on me.

Now that I am away from home, where can I flee from all these things? Deep inside, it haunted me all the time. I started to seek God more frequently, I thought I need another hidden place to runaway. But God is never a hidden place, He doesn't let me runaway from my problems. When I prayed to Him to let go all my problems, He didn't say yes to it. Instead, He stays with me and strengthens me, then helps me to fight my problems.

Romans 8:37
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."

My God is the real King, He doesn't let His child to be a chicken or a loser. Bible says, Jesus makes me more than a winner. To be a winner, first of all I have to fight the battle. In every fight, I got hurt that I wanna cry out loud and quit. Again, He doesn't let me quit, He wants me to reach the final and be more than a winner. He strengthens me in every fights, He gives me comfort and heals my wounds. The most important thing is I am closer to Him as He leads me in every fight and I can learn to become more like Him.

At the end of the days, I just can say "thanks God, for letting all these things happened in my life." Because I know that His plans are the best for me, that right now He is changing me into someone He would love to see in me.

Let me quoted some from C.S. Lewis
"God allow us to experience lowest points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way."

Instead of my miserable english, I hope the readers can understand what I wrote here. Fight your battles guys, but remember you cannot do it alone. That is why you need Him, He will lead you, heal you, comfort you and make you more than a winner. Have a blessed day, readers!