People-Pleasing Behavior

Today I felt terribly bad, I was disappointed. Things became worse when I realized that I was disappointed with myself.

The consequence of doing something is being criticized. At first, I thought I was disappointed with people who didn't appreciate me much. Then, I questioned myself "do I need approval? Or do I need appreciation?" But actually, that is not the point. The point is I was disappointed with myself, because I cannot please everybody.

I always said the same things over and over again to others, "you cannot please everybody." But I was being reminded about the same thing today. I cannot please everybody, I cannot fulfill people's expectations. Even when I give my best, it is not enough and it will never be. It was frustrating to think about how to please everybody, because in fact it was rather impossible. Now, let me think twice if it is right to have a people-pleasing behavior.

The first question is "why I need to please everybody?" I couldnt find the answer, maybe...just because I dont need to! I am not capable of it, even I cannot always please people I love the most. The truth is we will always get disappointment from anybody, maybe from our friends, best friends, family, spouse, or ourselves. But it is in human nature to please somebody, at least that's what I feel. So, who I need to please? Who I choose to please? Some people may choose to please their parents, some other try to please their spouse, and there are any who want to please their community. But, who I need to please?
I was reminded by this way, that the only one I need to please is God. I had chosen to give this saved life to Him, although actually this life isnt mine anymore. Every morning I said the same things in my prayers, today I realized that I never really mean it before. Saying those is a habit. Now, I want to mean it, really mean it from my deepest heart.
I want to consciously choose to please Him as my one and only. Maybe my trials and efforts are not enough, He just wants me to leave it to Him.The moral road of trying harder and harder is not enough this way. This time, I leave it all to Him. I want to do what He wants me to do and to be.

2 Corinthians 12:9
"and He said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So then, I will boast most gladly about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may reside in me."

I believe when we please God and become who He wants us to be, we will not only please Him, He will make us a living grace for our communities. Do not make it the target, it is the side effect. Focus on Him and He will give it all to you. 

By posting these, I really hope you will think again about your people-pleasing behavior (just like what I did), especially if you feel intimidated by it. You may reach on different conclusion than this post, it may not be wrong. Please pray about it, He knows what is best for you.
Have a rest on Him and on your pillow, happy wednesday!

My Last Teenage Year!

I used to hate 9th of October, but maybe I kinda love this 9th of October. 

Ninth of October was never a good day for me, although it is my birthday. I usually got more disappointments on 9th of October and it became sort of traumatic for me. But, this 9th of October is different. 
Lately, I realize that I got such disappointment because I expected too much on that day. I used to think in "today-is-my-day-and-everything-should-be-done-as-I-wish" way which is will not ever happen. But this year is different, this year I think that 9th of October is not a special day, it is just a day when I was born years ago, so how could this day become so special to every human being? Impossible.

I am actually in love and hate relationship with this one year experience. This one year is the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year for me, but at the same time I love it because God answer my deepest prayer. The way He made this year as the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year is the way He answers my prayer.

I had spent 19 years focusing on myself. Each night and day I prayed for my happiness, grades, and everything else about myself. Anything I asked from Him was for my own. The only one I wanted to please was no one but myself. In 19 years of my life, I always got reasons not to be happy. It is true that I lived that 19 years in vanity and emptiness as I tried to please myself. 
On the last years, I prayed for the same thing over and over again. I prayed that He will change me into someone He would love to see in me. I did not know what I asked for.

When He finally said yes to my prayer, He let me experience the lowest point of my life. I saw my life broke down into pieces, I tried to put it all together again, but it only hurt me even more. I tried my best and it was still not enough. Everything was uncontrollable, everything was messed up, then I was broken into pieces. At some point in life, I surrendered and realized that I can do nothing in life. I felt so small and fragile, and I got no place to run away. All I can do was crying and asking God to let it all happen in His way, because I have learned that my ways brought new problems for me. He let me know that the one I can rely on is not my self, that I am small and fragile, but I got Savior and all I need to do is asking Him to do it all for me because I am not capable for it. 

Maybe this is gonna be the most absurd post I ever post, I'm so sleepy right now. I just wanna say thanks to Him for these wonderful 19 years in my life. I wanna thanking Him because He never gives up on me, He never stops working on me, and the most important thing is I want everybody knows that He is my one and only, that I am so lucky to have Him in my life. I got the immeasurable grace and I am thankful.
Thanks God, for everything You let to happen in my life.

Fight or Flight!

In medicine, we have one specific hormone called "flight or fight" hormone. It is called adrenaline. It increases heart rate and makes us become more alert. Actually, I don't wanna talk about the hormone itself, this time I wanna talk about the real fight or flight in life. There will always problems come to life, we cant choose what kind of problem that will come to our life. But we can choose to fight or to flight.

Looking back, I think most of the time I chose to flight. It is easier to runaway from problems, just be home, hug your mom, watch movies and read novels to forget your problems. I was deceiving myself, kept telling myself that my life was okay, but actually it was not. I chose to be alone, so that no one can hurt me. My buddy told me that she saw me building a wall, so that people cannot approach me. I didn't realize it before, but one thing that I know for sure, I don't want people to have pity on me.

Now that I am away from home, where can I flee from all these things? Deep inside, it haunted me all the time. I started to seek God more frequently, I thought I need another hidden place to runaway. But God is never a hidden place, He doesn't let me runaway from my problems. When I prayed to Him to let go all my problems, He didn't say yes to it. Instead, He stays with me and strengthens me, then helps me to fight my problems.

Romans 8:37
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."

My God is the real King, He doesn't let His child to be a chicken or a loser. Bible says, Jesus makes me more than a winner. To be a winner, first of all I have to fight the battle. In every fight, I got hurt that I wanna cry out loud and quit. Again, He doesn't let me quit, He wants me to reach the final and be more than a winner. He strengthens me in every fights, He gives me comfort and heals my wounds. The most important thing is I am closer to Him as He leads me in every fight and I can learn to become more like Him.

At the end of the days, I just can say "thanks God, for letting all these things happened in my life." Because I know that His plans are the best for me, that right now He is changing me into someone He would love to see in me.

Let me quoted some from C.S. Lewis
"God allow us to experience lowest points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way."

Instead of my miserable english, I hope the readers can understand what I wrote here. Fight your battles guys, but remember you cannot do it alone. That is why you need Him, He will lead you, heal you, comfort you and make you more than a winner. Have a blessed day, readers!

Wake Up For A Commitment

One day, I woke up from my nap. This time I'm not dreaming about anything, but soon after waking up I start thinking "what should I do with my life?". Then I realized two important things. First, that I concern about this thing more than I realized, it haunted me under my consciousness. Second, soon after the first question popped up in my head, the answer came, I realized I had made a commitment. Maybe I should say it is a BIG commitment. 

A year ago, when I signed my university form, I had made a commitment to be a doctor, or at least to be a doctor in progress. I didn't make any pact about being a doctor with the university, nor my parents, but to God and myself. Once I'm in, I should do my best. No, I have to do my best. 

I realized that in 3 years I will have long holiday no more and my life will full of about medicine thingy everyday, anywhere, anytime. Actually, this is a choice. You still can quit from this medicine world, you can quit now, you can quit tomorrow, you can quit anytime. Taking medicine education doesn't mean you will work in a medicine world, having a doctor degree doesn't mean you will work as a doctor. It's all up to you. I saw some of my friends taking medicine education, but still wondering about what should they do in life. They tried to convince them self that taking medicine education is a right choice, in fact they're not really in. Maybe out of 100, maybe just 10 of us that really know the reason why they want to be a doctor from the beginning, the ninety others are still wondering, convincing and reasoning.
It takes courage to admit that we're still questioning if we really want to be a doctor, and it takes time to decide whether we want to stay or leave. But, above all we need support and approval from our beloved people. 

I chose to stay, to involve, to explore medicine world, and to do my best in it. I really hope that everybody who still stand in something in between will soon get the best decision. Take your time and encourage your self, the choices is yours, the answers are only can be found in you, not your parents, not your significance other, not your friends. Choices are unlimited, I guarantee you, but every choices has its consequences. Choices are unlimited, our capability of the consequences is. Choose wisely and have a good day, readers!

What Today's Women Expect

Recently I talked a little bit a lot with a boy. At first, I think he just wanted to be friends, but looked like he mistook my being-nice action as a good sign to start flirting.

It was quite boring and tiring to talk to him. But, I thank him for opening my eyes to see that in this modern emancipation life, still there is a conservative (I use conservative, because maybe closed minded is too rude) man who wants to marry a woman who will just cook for him and dust his furniture at home and maybe dance and sing and rub his back when he comes home.

It was much less like this. He said, he doesn't like an ambitious woman who loves to pursue career in her life and for example he mention our senior's name whom I totally adore. I said, that kind of woman is cool and I am definitely one of that kind. He said that our senior is definitely going to be an old single lady because she is too picky and ambitious. I said, she is definitely outrageous and cool because she is keep on pursuing her dreams and being single doesn't keep her for being fabulous. He said, she should be aware of her single status because she is in her midst twenty. I said, no she shouldn't because she is pretty, has a good attitude and style, dress well, comes from good family back ground, smart and has a great prospect of being a good pediatrician, the only thing she shouldn't do is lowering her standard (especially for a guy like you, even though I didn't say this). He said, he wants to be the only reason of his significant other's happiness. I said, I had learned that we better not draping our happiness on other people's shoulder. He said, in a relationship couple should depend on each other and he wants to have a significant other who will totally depend on him. I said, I learned that in a healthy relationship, couple should trust and help each other but not totally depend on each other, I learned that a healthy relationship is two happy persons commit to share their happiness and sorrow, not to make each other happy, if we could not make our self happy then we will not make any other people happy. He said, this is a tough conversation, and we will hard to finally have one conclusion. I said, no, we don't need any conclusion because we were just sharing opinion, we can still go on in life with our own opinion, there's no need to decide which opinion is better, because it were all relative and subjective.

I am quite surprised to realize that most of men and boys around me still adopt the concept of having a girl friend or wife who will totally adore and depend on them, and in extreme case just having a life because of their presence. For my sisters, I and maybe some women out there who have an intention to go for further education and want to have career life, we are not avoiding or disliking marriage, we're just expecting a men who will accept us as his equal partner in life. An equal partner is someone to talk to, to discuss matters, to share opinions, to help each other through life. An equal partner means we want men to think and act like our opinion is matter, worth listened, worth considered and worth for trial.

In fact, most of men still adopt last century concept of having a girl friend or wife. They think their wife just need to listen to their stories without any right to give opinions, we were only given right to agree and nod, cook them breakfast lunch and supper, raise the kid, and (sorry to say) serve them in bed. They think, their only obligation is supporting family's economy which (in their mind) woman cant do and know nothing about. Maybe you don't believe it, but some women still have this same concept in their mind. Thankfully, I am absolutely not one of them.

Women have the right to pursue their dreams, dreams can be working as a doctor, or maybe work as reporter for BBC or CNN, or maybe be a mother with four kids. Women have the right to be listened. Women have the right to be appreciated for what they have done. Raising kids is not only women's obligation in marriage, it is two party's obligation. Raising kids is not about giving them money, toys, gadgets, and stuffs or giving them the best education, it is about nurturing and loving them, accompanying them during life, and helping them to grow.

For every smart beautiful girls who lives around the world, be smart enough to chose your partner. Because we're worth it. Maybe you're single at the moment, just don't ever lower your standard, the right man will be able to appreciate your intelligence, beauty and skills.
Be smart people, be people smart. Happy weekend!

Life, Its Purpose, and Its Meaning

So, lets get straight to the point: what is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of living a life as a human?

Its been two weeks or maybe more since I got a dream every time I sleep. Usually, I don't dream that often. Every day the dreams were vague and bad, so I woke up tired and weary. I don't know why this is happening to me. Is this a part of heart break and moving on process? Or, is this just because I have too much spare time and my mind wandering too much? Or, is this a normal question that came to every person that live in this world? I just woke up from my nap this afternoon after having a bad dream and realise those all comes from my mind that afraid of being alone and having no purpose.

Everything is meaningless, it is said in Ecclesiastes many times. Life is full of seasons that come and go. Sometimes bad things happen, another time great things come. But after all, life will come to an end. But every ending is a new beginning. Some people believe there will be life after life, some other say there is no life after life and we will have no more existence. If there will be no life after life, it just prove that life is meaningless, everything is meaningless. But for people who believe there will be life after life, what is the purpose of living? Does not immortality just another form of and ending without new entrance? Because it will stuck there.

Some said life is to find it's meaning, some said it's just to be done, to do things and keep on living, the other said life is to fulfil their ambition, and the rest said life is to give life itself meaning.

I believe there's life after life as the bible said so. But, what kind of life it will be, I haven't understood yet. I had no idea why God created human, why He created us, why He created me. What do He want me to do so He created me into someone like this? No, I haven't found the answer yet, but I keep on praying and asking God as The bible said "ask and you'll be given" so many times.

Matthew 6:33
"But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

I have been denying my questions about life and its purpose because I was afraid that I gonna lose my mind and get lost, afraid that I will lose my grip in christianity. But now I know, I have a Lord and He is my shepherd, He is good shepherd who wont let me get lost and wont left me alone, who will seek for me when I got lost. And as I believe that He is the one created me with a purpose, I should ask Him what it is.

Atheism versus Christianity and Something About Superior Existence

A couple days ago I read about atheism versus christianity in BBC news. The news says that Christian twitter user are happier than the atheist users. Actually, the news was a little bit non-sense for me. Tweets cannot be a measurement for happiness. We can tweet beautiful words while crying or angry. Remember that human love to play with words. 

With my curiosity, I opened one of well-known atheist twitter users. There, I found so many tweets that tried to offend people who chose to embrace one of beliefs world offers. But, the only thing I feel behind her words are disappointment and denial. It looked like she was disappointed about world's condition then accused it as God's injustice. So, she denied His existence. Because deep inside she believe that if God's was exist, world would be a good place. If God's exist, He must be an existence that full of love, not this cruel to let all these happened.

I think, the one who ignore someone consciously is the one who deep inside feel that one's existence the most. So she had to take effort to deny and ignore Him.

Let me try to explain this in an analogy. If you watch a musical performance, you can notice the wrong chords played or false lyrics sang if you listen to it carefully. If you're hearing and not listening, you wont notice that the singer made some mistakes.

But, as I have said above "tweets cannot be a measurement." This paragraph is only my speculation.

This finding triggered me to learn more about atheism, Christianity, and above all took me back to the basic; about superior existence who has power upon this world. Is He really exist? If He does Exist, who is He? I believe everyone once had these two question pop up in their heads, but only some are brave enough to ask it.

Those two question will make me post some posts about Christianity, atheism and something about superior existence next time. I'm a conservative blogger, I think two post a day are too much (hahaha). Besides, I want the reader to read patiently and carefully. Please, read it with curiosity, not with intention to judge which one is right and chose that one then blame the others. Be like a little kid who hears with intention to understand, not to reply or give judgement. So, happy reading! :)

Sisterhood: When We Start to Drift Apart

Sisterhood is like sweet treats for my life. It is always one of my favorite part of life.

My sisters and I, we fight like best friends and nurture like parents. One of the best parts of sisterhood is sharing secrets. We are girls, and somehow girls love sharing secrets. I think, girls use it as a form of trust. I remember the days when we had not had smartphones, skype, or even mobile phones, I was 10 years old that day. Corresponding was the only way to tell stories. Each week I wrote a letter to my oldest sister, told her story about my annoying friend, my teachers, my best friends, everything that seemed so important to me that she should know and everything I wanted to tell her. My oldest sister was my best-est friend.

When I was younger, my sisters are my best friends, not my mom. I barely told my mom about my friends or school life, I told her only the important things, like good grades or teacher's compliments. But, my oldest sister's best friend is mom. And later, one by one, so did my other sisters. I didn't understand why until I figured it out by my self. As we grew up, my sister and I have our own path way and become the person we should be. We are different now, and there were times when we found each other strangers. At that times, only mom who never rejects us, who can accept our changes even when our sisters have not accept it yet.

The differences that made us someone we should be, the differences in society and friends, interests, and campus life brought us drifted apart. We took times to understand each other, but mom done it faster than anybody. So, now mom is the center of our sisterhood cycle. Lately I realized, that we begin to shared less secrets. We share some, and keep some. Is this a part of having our own life? Soon I understand that when we get married, or get into relationship, we will keep some little secrets from sisterhood. But, we just cannot hide it from mom.

It is not that we trust our sisters less. It is just we realize that we haven't reached the point where we can sharing stories without giving judgements yet. We are not that wise at this age, so that we learn it from mom. Still I miss those days, when we were awake until midnight watching movies and telling stories.

Changes, we cannot avoid it, and we better not avoid it. It may seems somehow bad at first, but I believe those are parts of process leading into something better in life. The changes between us, I want to believe it is for something better. I do not trust them less, I even love them more. Eventually, I believe that trust which earned in silence is more precious than gold.

Hey readers, are you having the same condition with me? Take my words, you may seemed drifted apart, but sisterhood never dies, even strengthen in that time. :)

People: Our Mirror

People say that the one we know the least is our self, I agree with it!

I can define my sisters well, can describe my parents until the little detail, can list what kind of human-being my friends are, but strangely I cannot find the right words to define my self.
Maybe you think you can describe yourself, I thought I can. Actually, my description of my self was not the real me, it was someone I wanna be. And sometimes, I adopt people's definition of me. Me, my self and I cannot really have a word to define the real me.

Imagine your self now, your face, your body, what you wear. I bet your imagination of yourself was not your self after cleaning the house, it must be your self in the mirror or photograph before you go to parties, using the best dress and make up. Most of the time, we don't wanna remember how we look after cleaning the house or gardening or doing something sweaty because it doesn't look good. Well, we do the same about our description of our self. We think about the best qualities in us.  Unconsciously, we used to deny the bad side of us, or at least make it sounds a little better with putting reasons.

We will not know our self until we look at the mirror. People is our mirror, what they said about us is a reflection of what we did. We are what we did, not what we think. We can think about the very best thing, being an idealist, but what we did is what matter the most. People is not mind reader, society just can define you by what you do assuming it is the result of your thoughts. In fact, what we do without thinking is the real us. Meanwhile, what we do after thinking is who we wanna be or someone we think we should be.

People is our mirror, but not all mirror is accurate. Some mirror make us look skinnier, or fatter. To know yourself, you have to know which mirror is accurate. Neither choose the ones who show only your best, you will a proud arrogant person, nor choose the ones who show only your bad, it will bring you down. Choose the one who accurate. I think the accurate one is someone who always be with us all the time, see our bad also our best, a part of your growing up process, and know us inside outside, the real us, someone we wanna be, and someone we should be. 

For me, it is my mom, dad, sisters, old friends of mine, and my current society for I am away from home. They are who affected by what I did, I listen to them, because I want to be someone better for everyone and also myself. That's the point why we have to have a good family, choose good friends and society. Yes, we cannot choose our family, but we do choose our friends and society we involve into. It is the reason why a broken home person is easier to be tolerated than someone who get broken by his society and friends.

After all, choose the right mirror that can reflect you precisely. After seeing your self, you can accept the truth, and change what you don't like. It wont happen in a week, or a months. It takes time and processes, be patient, be faithful, keep going on processes, and someday you will find your self incredibly amazing. :)

Me Being A Doctor Is (Not) A Mistake

When I was in High School, I loved daydreaming about dreams. I spent a lot of time imagining myself as a magazine editor, or journalist, or researcher, or fashion designer, or violinist, or children’s book illustrator, and sometimes as wedding organizer. Crazy, young and free, those are the definition for my dreams. Unsafe, unpredictable, unprofitable (except for the lucky!) are also descriptions for my dreams. I knew it long ago. I have a lot of dream, but one thing that I found weird. I always determined my self to be a doctor whatever dreams I have.

I spent 6 years of High School to pursue unofficial title of  ‘Biology Master’. I won biology competitions, not so many, but the numbers and prestige are enough to get that unofficial title. Besides, I also built a career (if I can call it so) in Journalistic. I love to write, to accumulate information, to publish something that can inspire people. 

When my dreams and dream job are not matching, when someone I want to be and someone I expected to be are not matching, those are problems, BIG problems. I remember when I cried on the last December of my High School years. I cried because I was accepted in medical school, but deep inside I did not really sure to take it. I still have other dreams, I could be anything I want, wedding organizer, Magazine Editor, Journalist, even still have a chance to work in National Geographic! My parents said I could be anything I want, but it was I who was too frighten to take the risks. Besides, I always said confidently since a long time ago that I will be a doctor someday, wear that white clothes, do morning visit, prescribe medicine, and drive midnight for emergency calls. I always determined myself to be a doctor, but at that time I thought I lost the reason why I want to be a doctor. So, I made other reasons to convince myself, “because being a doctor is a safe choice”,” I still can do research”, “I still can write stories”, “I will make so much money then travel the world and write about the journey”, “draw illustrations can be done in between”, and the others. Eventually, those reasons are not enough for me when I stuck in my last months of my freshmen year.  I thought, I lost all my motivations.

In fact, I didn't, I just forgot about them, the basic reason. The reason is not to help people, not to have a promising career, not to seek any popularity, but TO INSPIRE people to have A BETTER LIFE then make THE WORLD to be A BETTER PLACE. I was such a damn fucking idealist who used to had an idea of an ideal life and world in my head. Contaminating with glamorous life, popularity, racism, materialism, agnosticism, I turned to be so selfish, arrogant, and ambitious for something which are actually nothing. I did not get anything except emptiness, but still craving for more, thinking that I just have not had enough. Thanks God, just one night before the skill test (so called OSCE), God reminded me the reason. At that night, I got my spirit up and learned for the test carefully. My target is not the best score, but do the best for my future patients. Enough for being wild, young, free, and cool in the world’s perspective. I’m done with it, I don't get anything but emptiness. Let me back to against what society calls cool, I just want to be good and right in His eyes for He is the only one who cannot be wrong. 

Thank You, for not giving me so much courage to take the risks of not being a doctor. Yes, I spent at least half year cursing my choice to be a doctor, but now I know I wont regret it later. I will drive midnight for emergency calls, will spend most of my time in hospital, will talk to patient much often than to my family, will go sleepless for the needy, will have no Sundays and holidays, but I will be a doctor and will LOVE TO BE.

Back to the days when I was innocent, I didn't dream to work in big cities and well known Hospitals. I always wanted to work for WHO, be a doctor in wars, teach the low economic class how to keep their body and mental healthy. You know, writing is an easier way to motivate and inspire people. But still, actions talk louder and much simpler. If I only write, how can I inspire people with poverty who do not have  access for education, do not have enough money to buy the book, and do not have enough interest to read? No, me being a doctor is not a mistake. Doctor is what I should be and what I will be. Heaven got a plan for me and I’m in, all in.

I’ve kept this post in my head for a month for not knowing how to write it properly. Thanks to Dewi Lestari and her novel ‘Perahu Kertas’, it is so inspiring! For, readers I do not inspire you to be a doctor but to remind you to go on your dreams and keep motivated. Work hard, it will pay off later!

Hey, Mr. Right

Have you ever wonder about how and when will you know that someone is the right one for you? I do question it all the time.

How can we know that he/she is the right one? And, when will we know? I'm pretty sure that those question at least for once crossed your mind.
We used to think, that if he/she say or do something we expect without telling them, he/she must be the right one. No, if they're right, they're just lucky-guesser. Or maybe, if they bring changes to our life, it must be them. Even if he/she can give everything we want, material or feelings, it may not be them.
This human race is poisoned with the theory telling us "We will know when he/she proposes us." Oops, remember how many couple choose to divorce every year? Once upon a time, they were falling in love with each other too.

I think the best answer I can get is we will never know. Even when we're married, we will not stop questioning if it is right to marry him/her. It is an unanswerable question.Why? Because knowing he/she is the right one is not a statement you need to go to the next level of your relationship, it is the conclusion you can get after going through everything, literally everything, with him/her. Since conclusion always comes later, deciding to spend your life and grow old with someone is like a gamble. The difference is you cannot quit easily, you've been trapped in wedding vow.
We will only know we have lived our life right or not, marry the right person or not, have a happy enjoyable life or not the second when we close our life for the last time. Because they are all conclusions, not decisions.

That's only my crazy wild speculation, you can have another concept in your head. Follow what your heart and head, both of them. Because finally I found that true love is when your head and heart say and agree for the same thing, true love is when you love someone for both sentimental and rational reasons.

I hope this post helps you. Thanks for reading and sorry for my bad english :p
Have a nice day, readers!

The Best Revenge Is Love

Hate and enemy is packaged into one thing. You have an enemy and you hate him, if you dont hate her then she would be an enemy. I know there are annoying, mean, shifty, savage, unlovable people in our life, but they are there and not going to go away from our life so soon. That’s the fact.

In Matthew 5:44, God ordered us to love our enemy and pray for them who have been being so mean to us. I’m not going to tell you an explanation about how good it will be to have such a golden heart, or any explanation that seems so saintly. 

Hating each other is like a war, and war gets your adrenalin up because you have a rival who will against you. The only ambition in a war is to defeat the enemy. But, what if the enemy is not responding? You will be the silly person who is busy sending war signal into someone who is doing everything else except responding to you. I believe that someday that silly person will be shame to see how silly she was.

Well, I thought the best revenge is to ignore. But, eventually I found that ignorance is the opposite of love, but the best revenge for hatred is to love more. Maybe when you are younger, there was one annoying aunty who loves to kiss you without knowing how much you hate her. What else can be more annoying than a kiss from your one-side enemy? So that I choose to love my former enemy, treat them well, and wish the best for them. If I love them, someday they will be shame for what they have done. Moreover, hatred is not good to be burden. Just let it go. Bringing it everywhere is like bringing foul potatoes. They are gonna spread disgusting smell. 

Now, lesson learnt. I choose to love my enemy and pray for the as God said, for I wanna see them change into something better. I hope now you understand why you better love your enemies. Thanks for reading and sorry for my bad english. :)

Christians Are Cheaters, Too

Everyone in this world lives with disappointments, heartaches, insecurities, fears, and many negative uncontrolled feelings. Some people try to face it, some seek for help, and some others runaway into things. Most of people who can face it finally come back with a bitter heart for knowing the world is never a good place for living. Some people seek for help, try to rely on other people and only get more disappointments at the end. The others runaway into things, drugs, alcohol, job, games, books, hobbies, anything that can take them off from real life, make them forget their pains.

Christians are not exceptionable in this case. Those negative feelings are inevitable too for us. Do you think that Christians are a group of the strongest, wisest, smartest, most diligent, best people so we can face those feelings without getting hurt? NO. Christians are a group of the smallest, laziest, dumbest, weakest, coward, selfish people. We are the worst people that you can ever imagine. That's why we seek for a savior, for we know that we, the worst people, cannot face this world alone. Perhaps, we more than once tried to rely on a person or thing, but we only got more disappointments. Maybe, we more than once run into life-pain-killers, but we became so addictive that it could danger us.

Life is like a Role Playing Game. Let me make it into a parable. Life is a game named "The Hardest Game Ever". We are the players. Everyone is forced to play and finish it. Some people try to play with the rules, try their best to figure out every problem that come. Some people seek for cheats, but every cheat costs, and usually the cost is too high. The others paused their game by runaway into other things for the game is to difficult for them. But sadly, no one could finish the game well. No one got happy ending. Someday, The Game Maker heard that the game is too hard and no one can finish it well. So, The Game Maker decided to send someone He has trained named Jesus Christ. Jesus is sent to finish the game and He made it. After finished the game, Jesus is sent among the players to teach them how to play and finish the game well. Jesus is the only legal, free, and live cheat sent by The Game Maker. He tries to tell everyone the walk through, gives us weapon and guardians, but not everyone believes in Him. There are people that prefer to believe in themself, play the game by following their instinct and feeling only, try to figure out how to finish it well. Some people are seeking for cheats, but not everyone believe in Jesus' walk thourgh, so they seek for other cheats, they pay for the cheats. Christian are a group of cheaters, we cheated on the game, but we choose Jesus as the cheat. Because Christians are the poorest so we seek the free one, we are the dumbest and the laziest so we don't think much to believe in Him, we are coward and selfish so we prefer the one that can guarantee that we will finish the game well.

I consider people who prefer to try to figure the game out by themself as people who believe in logic thinking such as atheists and agnostics, and other cheats as other beliefs.
Why do I choose to use Jesus' cheats for this life? Because it is free, legal, guaranteed from The Life Giver. For people who choose other beliefs, or rely on their logic and skills, I appreciate their choices, but I just cant be one of them. Life is hard, and I'm not a hard-worker so I choose the easiest way, Jesus. Following Jesus is the easiest way to get joy and eternity life. Easiest but not easy. But still the easiest. I'm a coward, selfish, and frightened to any risk, so I follow Jesus, for His path is risk less. There will be risk, but He guarantees to cover it all.

God sent Jesus as savior for everyone, but it is a choice to believe in Him. I choose to believe in Him for He is the one who can guarantee my life safety, which is thing I do not find in other beliefs. So, are you in? I don't expect anybody who read will instantly believe in Him. To believe in Him takes time and processes. But, I hope someday you finally will believe in Him, too.

And, I hope you can understand what I post today despite my bad english, God bless the readers! :D

The Way We Love

There's a brief story I wanna tell you first.
Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Janette. She had a boyfriend named Calvin. One day, Janette's loveliest dog, Goldy died. She cried and then called her boyfriend. Soon, Calvin came to Janette's home. He told her to stop crying and promised to give her a new lovelier dog than Goldy. Janette became angry, she said "nothing can replace Goldy! All I want is Goldy!" She was disappointed with his words, and didn't understand why he could say such a thing. In the other hand, Calvin was disappointed too, he tried his best to make her happy, but she got angry instead. 
Last valentine, Calvin gave her chocolate and teddy bear. Somehow, Janette was disappointed because she expected red roses. She was on diet and Calvin knew it, why he gave her a chocolate? On the contrary, Calvin thought that roses never means anything to him. He never understands why girls love flower which can die in three days.
On Calvin birthday, Janette bought her a new pair of oxford shoes as a gift. When he opened it, he was disappointed. He was expecting for something about soccer. Or, new video games would be nice. 
Lately, these things happened more frequently. Calvin and Janette start to think that they dont understand each other. Finally, they decided to break up.

Do you think it is a sad familiar story, dont you? It happens to many couples. If someone ask about who's wrong here, girls and boys will blame each other. The truth is, no one is wrong, neither Janette nor Calvin is wrong. They just love each other in different way.

The people I love, they always make me wonder if they love me too. Where does this feeling come from? Actually I found that it is simply because we treat the people we love by the way we want to be treated. But, sadly everyone is thinking the same thing. We used to think that if somebody loves us, they will treat us in a way we express love too, and the fact is everyone have different ideas of expressing love. Just like Calvin and Jannete. Calvin said he gonna buy her a new lovelier dog, because if his dog die, he will love to have a new one, so he think if he does the same for Janette, Janette will know that he loves her. But, Janette think it woul be better if Calvin gives her a hug, comforts her, and listen carefully to her story that time, and after that she will stop crying. Their idea of expressing love are totally different, that's the problem. It is a common misunderstanding, happened to many couples simply because they dont understand that they have different ways of expressing love.

I think, we should love our beloved by the way they want to be loved, just to ensure they know that they are loved. The next question is, how will we know the way they will love to be treated? For our family, we can watch carefully how they treat the people they love then we can conclude how they express their love. But, how about that one former stranger that become so important in your life? That's the BIG problem, we always treat them as a mind-reader and so do they. We always wish for their understanding without saying a word. That's almost impossible, even our significance other will not always have the same idea with us.
I've been there too. I was too proud to tell my ex-significance other the way I love to be treated because I wished he will know it without me telling him. My only idea to solve this problem is to tell and to ask. Tell him/her the way you love to be treated, and ask them how him/her loved to be treated. If he/she doesn't want to tell you and tell you to figure out by yourself, it will be good as long as she/he gives you clues, but if she/he need you figure out of nowhere that will be a beginning for disaster. Well, at least, you have done you part; to tell and to ask.

Today I learn to treat people the way they want to be treated, the way they think love is expressed, just to ensure they know they are loved by me. Will you love to learn that, too? Because I hope that will bring a brighter smile in the faces of our beloved. Don't hesitate to ask them if you cant figure it out, we better ask than being mislead into miscommunication by our thoughts.

That's all I can share today. Sorry for my bad grammar and vocabularies. Everything is too mixed up in my head tonight, just hoping I didn't make any non-sense sentence here. Thanks for reading anyway!
Don't forget to hug our beloved, because look like hug is never a wrong way to express love :)

Because (My) Sisters are Gift

First of all, I'm not posting this after having fun or sharing hugs with my sisters. No.

I was born from a couple that blessed with four daughters, I'm their last. The youngest one. My sisters are considered much older than me. The oldest is 10 years older, the second is 6 years older, and the third is 4 years older than me.

When I was little, my home was full of their laughter and I loved it so. I had no private place because we were sharing bed room. But we're sharing life at the same time. As time went by, my older sister had to move to another city for her further study, years later my two other sister did too. And finally when I was in the last year of Junior High School they had to left me alone at home. Feeling lonely? Of course yeah. I lost the person whom I used to share daily stories, lunch, supper, books, bedroom, clothes, shoes, hugs, everything.
One of the worst feeling I ever felt was having my sister taken by her husband forever. She is still mine, but not fully-mine, just sometimes-mine. Now she has another face to call home, another house to come after work. I'm watching that soon everyone is going to pursue career, find a life partner, move out from home, and finally have their own life. Sad to see this is happening, but this is life. Sometimes life drift some people apart from our life.
My sister and I, we are not always getting along well. We fight sometimes, fight the changes that come. Although at the end, we will understand and accept the changes. They aren't always lovable, but I love them so much, the bad and the good. They aren't always nice, but I love having them around. They aren't always have time for me, but I know I can call them whenever I need them. They are busy now, but I know they are trying to make time for me. They don't always show it, but I know they care about me. They don't always hug me, but I know they love me.
I was not sharing the happiness of falling in love with them, even they got forgotten by me. But when it comes about heart break, they are there to wipe my tears, to force me eating, to make laugh, to convince everything is gonna be alright.

From left: the second, me, the first, the third. Because having them is a blessing!

We fight and we love, we are fighting because we are loving each other. And if they ever gonna read this (and not laugh due to the grammar), let me just say I love you sist.