Recently I talked a little bit a lot with a boy. At
first, I think he just wanted to be friends, but looked like he mistook my
being-nice action as a good sign to start flirting.
It was quite
boring and tiring to talk to him. But, I thank him for opening my eyes
to see that in this modern emancipation life, still there is a
conservative (I use conservative, because maybe closed minded is too
rude) man who wants to marry a woman who will just cook for him and dust
his furniture at home and maybe dance and sing and rub his back when he
comes home.
It was much less like this. He said, he doesn't
like an ambitious woman who loves to pursue career in her life and for
example he mention our senior's name whom I totally adore. I said, that
kind of woman is cool and I am definitely one of that kind. He said that
our senior is definitely going to be an old single lady because she is
too picky and ambitious. I said, she is definitely outrageous and cool
because she is keep on pursuing her dreams and being single doesn't keep
her for being fabulous. He said, she should be aware of her single
status because she is in her midst twenty. I said, no she shouldn't
because she is pretty, has a good attitude and style, dress well, comes
from good family back ground, smart and has a great prospect of being a
good pediatrician, the only thing she shouldn't do is lowering her
standard (especially for a guy like you, even though I didn't say this).
He said, he wants to be the only reason of his significant other's
happiness. I said, I had learned that we better not draping our
happiness on other people's shoulder. He said, in a relationship couple
should depend on each other and he wants to have a significant other who
will totally depend on him. I said, I learned that in a healthy
relationship, couple should trust and help each other but not totally
depend on each other, I learned that a healthy relationship is two happy persons commit to share their happiness and sorrow, not to make each
other happy, if we could not make our self happy then we will not make
any other people happy. He said, this is a tough conversation, and we will hard to finally have one conclusion. I said, no, we don't need any conclusion because we were just sharing opinion, we can still go on in life with our own opinion, there's no need to decide which opinion is better, because it were all relative and subjective.
I am quite surprised to realize that most of men and boys around me still adopt the concept of having a girl friend or wife who will totally adore and depend on them, and in extreme case just having a life because of their presence. For my sisters, I and maybe some women out there who have an intention to go for further education and want to have career life, we are not avoiding or disliking marriage, we're just expecting a men who will accept us as his equal partner in life. An equal partner is someone to talk to, to discuss matters, to share opinions, to help each other through life. An equal partner means we want men to think and act like our opinion is matter, worth listened, worth considered and worth for trial.
In fact, most of men still adopt last century concept of having a girl friend or wife. They think their wife just need to listen to their stories without any right to give opinions, we were only given right to agree and nod, cook them breakfast lunch and supper, raise the kid, and (sorry to say) serve them in bed. They think, their only obligation is supporting family's economy which (in their mind) woman cant do and know nothing about. Maybe you don't believe it, but some women still have this same concept in their mind. Thankfully, I am absolutely not one of them.
Women have the right to pursue their dreams, dreams can be working as a doctor, or maybe work as reporter for BBC or CNN, or maybe be a mother with four kids. Women have the right to be listened. Women have the right to be appreciated for what they have done. Raising kids is not only women's obligation in marriage, it is two party's obligation. Raising kids is not about giving them money, toys, gadgets, and stuffs or giving them the best education, it is about nurturing and loving them, accompanying them during life, and helping them to grow.
For every smart beautiful girls who lives around the world, be smart enough to chose your partner. Because we're worth it. Maybe you're single at the moment, just don't ever lower your standard, the right man will be able to appreciate your intelligence, beauty and skills.
Be smart people, be people smart. Happy weekend!
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
What Love Is
I've been wondering for days, maybe weeks... or
years. What is marriage actually? I used to think, it is finding someone
you ever imagine as a live person, then chose him/her as your partner.
Yes, we like him/her because what we think he/she has. Maybe you think
she loves reading, dancing and watching movies, yeah, maybe she is, but
maybe she is not, maybe it is just your imagination. But, after all, you
chose to love her, consciously or not.
If someone ask you "why you love him/her?" You will find yourself giving a list of what you like from her/him. Then... How about things you don't like from him/her? What if she don't like to cook, but you love a girl who can make dim sum for you? Usually, we tolerate it, or deceiving ourselves by thinking someday she will learn to make dim sum for us.
Just approve it, when you are gonna marry someone, your only hope is that she/he will not change the habit you like, but will change the habit you don't like. Like, you hope she will always love cooking, dancing and singing, but you wish she will stop forget washing dishes or singing Justin Bieber's songs. Doesn't it true?
There are so many couple out there wishing they are not marrying their partner now. Thinking, "why did I want to marry this crazy silly selfish bastard?" Because when you said 'I do', you just love the good side, and wish all the bad side will vanish someday.
Love is selfish. Now, I agree with it. I said I love him, but actually it just the feeling when he made me happy, but I hate him so much when he didn't meet my expectation. Did you? Or, do you?
When two people get married, they think they don't chose to love, love choses them. But, I found that love is a choice. Marriage is a decision to love someone forever even if he/she change into someone you think you never know, even if she/he change, even if her/his changes are bad or good. It is a decision not to give up on him/her without limit of time, and a promise to be with him/her with all her good and bad side, good and bad times. Marriage should be fulfilled with 'agape' and 'phileo' too, not only 'eros'.
So, to love is a choice, to marry is a decision. Then, logically if we read the previous paragraph, we will think that we can marry random person. Yes, actually we can.
But, some people are easier to be loved, they tend to be called 'loveable'. But to love some other people, we need extra works, extra heartache, extra toleration.
We, human race, have a natural instinct to pick the easier way. That's why we chose a person who is easy to be loved as our partner. Have you ever meet someone who is loved by so many guys or girls? Because they are loveable. You don't need to put so much effort to love her/him.
We all want to be loved, but too stubborn to acknowledge that we are not that loveable, and too arrogant to change our self. We think we hate our self, because we are not loveable, but the way we hate our self, is the way we love our self too. We hate our self for our arrogance, stubbornness, laziness, and everything else, because we know those are bad, and we want our self to change! But we are just too shame to admit that we have a bad personality and have to change. Then we will make excuses for our self to give an exception why we do that, so we don't need to change.
So, first of all, deal with yourself, don't be shame to acknowledge you bad attitudes, then deal with your pride, don't be arrogance and stubborn to change your bad attitudes. Stop making excuses to defend yourself.
Love needs requirements, and everyone has their own requirements to love someone. For an example; for me, it is easier to love someone who can understand my perception of life, has the same faith, strongly hold onto his principles, but realize when to change his bad attitudes. But for my sister it will be easier to love someone who can conquer her, loves japanese music and watching star wars too. See? Everyone has their own requirement, but some people have requirements that are easier to be fulfilled, and some other are just too hard to be fulfilled.
People with easier requirements are easier to love and to be loved. Meanwhile, people with harder requirements are harder to love and to be loved, usually society calls them 'picky'.
Don't forget about check-list system too! If we have 10 requirements, we will make 'minimum border'. Maybe 7 from 10 for me, but maybe 5 from 10 for her, maybe 9 from 10 for him. Everyone has their own minimum border.
Did you ever realize, that requirements and minimum border limit our choices to love someone? That's why we cant love or even like everyone. Because we need them to meet our expectation first so that we can love them. But, do all of them give a damn? The answer is no.
For some cases, people will decrease their requirements and minimum border. For my case, I know I don't need to decrease my requirements and minimum border, but I have to change to be more loveable. Stubborn is when your significance other give up on you but you still don't want to change to be more loveable, by changing your attitude or decreasing you minimum border.
So, marriage at the end, will be the love we found in our parents, love without requirements and limit or so called 'agape'.
Now, I conclude that marriage is a decision to love without requirements and limits.
Maybe, you guys look at your mom and think "how can dad want to marry someone like her?", or maybe you think your dad is sorry to marry her, or maybe your dad once told you not to marry someone like your mom. No, not because your dad doesn't love your mom anymore, but he knows how hard to love someone like her, a difficult person to be loved, and as a parent, he wishes you an easier life than him. That's why he told you to seek someone easier to be loved.
Don't misunderstand that love without requirements and limits don't even wanna change him/her. When you love someone, you constantly wish the best for him/her. It is right when you try to tell her/him to change his/her bad habit or attitude. It is due to your hope that she/he can be a better person. Telling someone his/her bad habit so that they can realize it then change it, is a way of loving.
But at the end, the only thing that constant in life is changes. She is gonna change someday, you too gonna change somehow. The only thing that kept your love constant for her/him is 'to love without requirement'.
I'm still learning it too. I learn to be more loveable, so first of all, me, my self, and I can love myself better. I learn to love without requirements, maybe not for boyfriend for now (you know, if we have choices, we have to chose the easier person to be loved *wink!* ), but to love mom, dad, my sisters, my big family, and my friends without requirements.
Start from today, this minute, this second. Maybe its too late to save a relationship, but never too late to learn this kind of love for a new one.
Sorry for my bad grammar and boring words. It is due to my lack of vocabulary. I promise myself to learn more ;)
Anyway, thanks for reading!
If someone ask you "why you love him/her?" You will find yourself giving a list of what you like from her/him. Then... How about things you don't like from him/her? What if she don't like to cook, but you love a girl who can make dim sum for you? Usually, we tolerate it, or deceiving ourselves by thinking someday she will learn to make dim sum for us.
Just approve it, when you are gonna marry someone, your only hope is that she/he will not change the habit you like, but will change the habit you don't like. Like, you hope she will always love cooking, dancing and singing, but you wish she will stop forget washing dishes or singing Justin Bieber's songs. Doesn't it true?
There are so many couple out there wishing they are not marrying their partner now. Thinking, "why did I want to marry this crazy silly selfish bastard?" Because when you said 'I do', you just love the good side, and wish all the bad side will vanish someday.
Love is selfish. Now, I agree with it. I said I love him, but actually it just the feeling when he made me happy, but I hate him so much when he didn't meet my expectation. Did you? Or, do you?
When two people get married, they think they don't chose to love, love choses them. But, I found that love is a choice. Marriage is a decision to love someone forever even if he/she change into someone you think you never know, even if she/he change, even if her/his changes are bad or good. It is a decision not to give up on him/her without limit of time, and a promise to be with him/her with all her good and bad side, good and bad times. Marriage should be fulfilled with 'agape' and 'phileo' too, not only 'eros'.
So, to love is a choice, to marry is a decision. Then, logically if we read the previous paragraph, we will think that we can marry random person. Yes, actually we can.
But, some people are easier to be loved, they tend to be called 'loveable'. But to love some other people, we need extra works, extra heartache, extra toleration.
We, human race, have a natural instinct to pick the easier way. That's why we chose a person who is easy to be loved as our partner. Have you ever meet someone who is loved by so many guys or girls? Because they are loveable. You don't need to put so much effort to love her/him.
We all want to be loved, but too stubborn to acknowledge that we are not that loveable, and too arrogant to change our self. We think we hate our self, because we are not loveable, but the way we hate our self, is the way we love our self too. We hate our self for our arrogance, stubbornness, laziness, and everything else, because we know those are bad, and we want our self to change! But we are just too shame to admit that we have a bad personality and have to change. Then we will make excuses for our self to give an exception why we do that, so we don't need to change.
So, first of all, deal with yourself, don't be shame to acknowledge you bad attitudes, then deal with your pride, don't be arrogance and stubborn to change your bad attitudes. Stop making excuses to defend yourself.
Love needs requirements, and everyone has their own requirements to love someone. For an example; for me, it is easier to love someone who can understand my perception of life, has the same faith, strongly hold onto his principles, but realize when to change his bad attitudes. But for my sister it will be easier to love someone who can conquer her, loves japanese music and watching star wars too. See? Everyone has their own requirement, but some people have requirements that are easier to be fulfilled, and some other are just too hard to be fulfilled.
People with easier requirements are easier to love and to be loved. Meanwhile, people with harder requirements are harder to love and to be loved, usually society calls them 'picky'.
Don't forget about check-list system too! If we have 10 requirements, we will make 'minimum border'. Maybe 7 from 10 for me, but maybe 5 from 10 for her, maybe 9 from 10 for him. Everyone has their own minimum border.
Did you ever realize, that requirements and minimum border limit our choices to love someone? That's why we cant love or even like everyone. Because we need them to meet our expectation first so that we can love them. But, do all of them give a damn? The answer is no.
For some cases, people will decrease their requirements and minimum border. For my case, I know I don't need to decrease my requirements and minimum border, but I have to change to be more loveable. Stubborn is when your significance other give up on you but you still don't want to change to be more loveable, by changing your attitude or decreasing you minimum border.
So, marriage at the end, will be the love we found in our parents, love without requirements and limit or so called 'agape'.
Now, I conclude that marriage is a decision to love without requirements and limits.
Maybe, you guys look at your mom and think "how can dad want to marry someone like her?", or maybe you think your dad is sorry to marry her, or maybe your dad once told you not to marry someone like your mom. No, not because your dad doesn't love your mom anymore, but he knows how hard to love someone like her, a difficult person to be loved, and as a parent, he wishes you an easier life than him. That's why he told you to seek someone easier to be loved.
Don't misunderstand that love without requirements and limits don't even wanna change him/her. When you love someone, you constantly wish the best for him/her. It is right when you try to tell her/him to change his/her bad habit or attitude. It is due to your hope that she/he can be a better person. Telling someone his/her bad habit so that they can realize it then change it, is a way of loving.
But at the end, the only thing that constant in life is changes. She is gonna change someday, you too gonna change somehow. The only thing that kept your love constant for her/him is 'to love without requirement'.
I'm still learning it too. I learn to be more loveable, so first of all, me, my self, and I can love myself better. I learn to love without requirements, maybe not for boyfriend for now (you know, if we have choices, we have to chose the easier person to be loved *wink!* ), but to love mom, dad, my sisters, my big family, and my friends without requirements.
Start from today, this minute, this second. Maybe its too late to save a relationship, but never too late to learn this kind of love for a new one.
Sorry for my bad grammar and boring words. It is due to my lack of vocabulary. I promise myself to learn more ;)
Anyway, thanks for reading!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Tie a Knot
This morning I had a little chit-chat with my friends. We are girls, we like to talk about love. The topic appeared when I randomly asked them, "If God has to be the first of all, then why we should marry someone? I think when we are married, the first time we open our eyes we will think about him and our kids." One of the girls said that her older friends who are already married told her that when you marry someone, you will still feel empty, there will be miscommunications between two of you, and sometimes you feel like nobody understands you. So, my brain started to proceed so many questions.
The first question is, then why we, most of human race, chose to marry someone? We were born in a family, if it is comfortable enough, why should we leave? I think its human race's nature to love, we have to love and we need to love, a different kind of love that you give to your mom, dad, sisters, brothers and friends. So... that's not totally wrong to said that love is a part of tools for human race's continuity, love makes people making love instead of having sex.
I just realized that we don't need someone who can be a full-time lover, we need someone who can be a full-time best friend and flexible part-time lover. Being lovers all the time is tiring, we are trying to meet the expectations of our partner, maybe at that time we cant be the real us. We are human, we cant stop making mistakes, and we just cant be perfect, and so does our partner. That's why we need someone who can accept our flaws, and we need someone whom we can accept his/her flaws. Being best friend is about tolerating, forgiving, correcting each other, trusting, understanding, listening, and sharing moments, those are things we need in marriage. One of my friend told me, when you had spent so many years and moments with your hubby/wife, you will love him/her more as a sibling and best friend. Marriage is not always about romance, it is more about living your life with a former stranger that can take position as your parents, siblings and best friends at the same time. Yeah, romance gives sparkle to a relationship, but it is the desserts, not the main course.
So, should we marry our best friend? If only he/she can be your lover too. We need someone who can be friend, best friend, boy/girl-friend, 'partner in crime', professional partner, parents, siblings and hubby/wife at the same time. Its just 'The Magic of Life'.
Knowing the theories is much easier than practicing it. When we are falling in love, we tend to forget we cant be lovers all the time, being a sweet-caring-lover is a phase, but this too will pass. Once one of you back to normalcy, the other will begin to think his/her partner is changing now. No, they're just back to normalcy because being lovers all the time is tiring. If you can tolerate it, both of you can enter the the next step. If you're not strong enough to tolerate and conscious enough to realize, the fights and tears are coming in your way. But then you know, he/she is not the right one.
There are many couples out there feel sorry to marry their partner. Maybe when they are proposed, they were just flying too high in the air full of love and forget that they were just... too in love to see that far.
Please see it clearly. If you say that you really love him/her, can you accept his/her flaws? Can you imagine living a life with his/her bad side? Imagine about the worst cases, and think if you can live with that person. No one in this world want an unhappy marriage, so think further. True love loves with heart, mind, and logic thinking.
This all i can share. Sorry for my bad grammar and spelling, I'm trying my best.
Thanks for reading anyway :)
The first question is, then why we, most of human race, chose to marry someone? We were born in a family, if it is comfortable enough, why should we leave? I think its human race's nature to love, we have to love and we need to love, a different kind of love that you give to your mom, dad, sisters, brothers and friends. So... that's not totally wrong to said that love is a part of tools for human race's continuity, love makes people making love instead of having sex.
I just realized that we don't need someone who can be a full-time lover, we need someone who can be a full-time best friend and flexible part-time lover. Being lovers all the time is tiring, we are trying to meet the expectations of our partner, maybe at that time we cant be the real us. We are human, we cant stop making mistakes, and we just cant be perfect, and so does our partner. That's why we need someone who can accept our flaws, and we need someone whom we can accept his/her flaws. Being best friend is about tolerating, forgiving, correcting each other, trusting, understanding, listening, and sharing moments, those are things we need in marriage. One of my friend told me, when you had spent so many years and moments with your hubby/wife, you will love him/her more as a sibling and best friend. Marriage is not always about romance, it is more about living your life with a former stranger that can take position as your parents, siblings and best friends at the same time. Yeah, romance gives sparkle to a relationship, but it is the desserts, not the main course.
So, should we marry our best friend? If only he/she can be your lover too. We need someone who can be friend, best friend, boy/girl-friend, 'partner in crime', professional partner, parents, siblings and hubby/wife at the same time. Its just 'The Magic of Life'.
Knowing the theories is much easier than practicing it. When we are falling in love, we tend to forget we cant be lovers all the time, being a sweet-caring-lover is a phase, but this too will pass. Once one of you back to normalcy, the other will begin to think his/her partner is changing now. No, they're just back to normalcy because being lovers all the time is tiring. If you can tolerate it, both of you can enter the the next step. If you're not strong enough to tolerate and conscious enough to realize, the fights and tears are coming in your way. But then you know, he/she is not the right one.
There are many couples out there feel sorry to marry their partner. Maybe when they are proposed, they were just flying too high in the air full of love and forget that they were just... too in love to see that far.
Please see it clearly. If you say that you really love him/her, can you accept his/her flaws? Can you imagine living a life with his/her bad side? Imagine about the worst cases, and think if you can live with that person. No one in this world want an unhappy marriage, so think further. True love loves with heart, mind, and logic thinking.
This all i can share. Sorry for my bad grammar and spelling, I'm trying my best.
Thanks for reading anyway :)
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