Bible: The Main Course

I want to make a confession today: I am really lazy, I don't read bible daily, and I never finish my bible plan reading in my bible application, not even one. If there something I can boast, it is only the fact I have finished bible once, though I don't remember and understand a thing, which only bring me shame.

I tried, seriously. I tried a thousand times to read bible everyday. But, most of my trials didn't succeed for whatever reasons. Actually, I know I'm just lazy. I tried my best to understand what those verses mean, sometimes I desperately google it, nevertheless it was useless.

Despaired about the bible, Christian books caught my eyes. They are easier to read and convey God's message too, all the better explaining about it than google do. I started to read C.S. Lewis, Judah Smith, Max Lucado books and others. Each book has specific theme which make it easier for me to understand better about specific issue. However, the fact that I spent those books more often that I read bible is terrifying me.

Maybe it is not a sin for spending much more time reading Christian books than reading bible, yet I know it is not right. It feels similar to us liking to read opinion article without really understand the event, or wanting to hear about a friend we are too lazy to contact from another friend. Perhaps, I should read bible in the first hand. Reading Christian books is not wrong, but they are not our daily bread. They suppose to be snack, while bible is the main course.

Though I still don't understand the bible, I promise myself to never stop trying to read it daily. I wanna know Him better through His words, believe someday He will reveal it in the right time, and keep praying that He will always lead me in this bible reading activity.

So, I pray that we all can keep reading bible daily and understand it in His time. Amen!

Not a Mistake

Been long since the last time I wrote anything about love, I've been avoiding it for quite sometime. But today, I have something to share.

What is the worst part of a relationship?
For me, it's always the ending.
No matter how hard you try to make a clear nice breakup, still there is no easy breakup. No matter how hard you pretend to be OK, you lose yourself control at some point. No matter how hard you try to remain friends, it will not be the same, at least for a while.
And the worst thing about the ending isn't the break up, it's when you lose him.
When you love somebody and make that person special, you give him some space in your life, often you give him a big space. So, when he walks away from your daily life, there will be a big hole left. That is the most hurtful moment, but maybe letting go is a part of loving.
As I once write, there is no unbutton love. Once you love somebody, you love him for a life time, but maybe the intensity can change. If you don't love him anymore, maybe actually you never really did.

At times I should face my most hurtful moment, I cried. Still I believe, that what had happened isn't a mistake.


This was written on October 2014, when I was facing a heart break. I kept it for a long time, not wanting to post it on emotional state because I was afraid of not being objective to evaluate it as an encouraging post. This is actually what I kept telling myself on my attempt to move on, that everything was not a mistake and I learned something from it. I hope you can also believe that your heart breaks, your exes, your past relationships are not mistakes, but the things God let to happen in your life in order to teach you something valuable.

Dora

Her nickname is Dora, from Theodora. She's kinda look alike Dora the explorer, but much smarter, prettier, wiser and lovelier. She has a mini body with a big heart and wide mind. She is a friend of mine.

Everybody has ego they want to feed, so did I. There were times when I was in a fight and i felt like being right was the only thing I wanted. I was the right side and I didn't I wanna say sorry. She/he should be the one to apologize, and if I was kind enough I will forgive her/him. I bet you once (or twice or even more) felt the same way! That's our big ego which will grow bigger and bigger if we keep feeding them. Do you know how troublesome big ego is? Troublesome for other, really troublesome for whom it belongs.

One day I was in a fight with my mom, she told me the truth that I need to hear, but I refused to hear it. She told that I was never nice, I got angry easily and others. They were not nice words to be heard, but a truth needed to be told. I hated to believe in those words, but I hated it because it was true. Deep inside my heart I knew that was true, but still I was a coward. I told my friend that story and she said that my mom was wrong, I knew she tried to comfort me, but I didn't feel that it was right for me to be comforted because I actually also agreed with what my mom said about me. That way I realised that I was a coward and needed someone to encourage me to swallow my pride, bear with the truth and say sorry. Then I told God in my prayer, "God, please give me a friend who will make me better in your way, the one who dare to say the truth no matter it is nice to my ear or not as long as it is needed to be told, the one who will strengthen me with Your words when I'm in trouble, the one who will lead me back to You when I'm lost. The one who love You so much so that she can be a good friend." God granted my prayer, He sent me some people who does so. One of them is Dora.

Now, every time I was angry over something or in a fight with someone, I call her first, because I know she will tell the truth and remind me the right thing to do. Most of the times, the right things to do were the least things I want to do. It was hard to swallow my pride and stop feeding my ego, but it did bring a better time.

We all do need a friend like Dora, someone who will make us better in His way, the one who dare to say the truth no matter it is nice to our ear or not as long as it is needed to be told, the one who will strengthen us with His words when we're in trouble, the one who will lead us back to Him when we're lost. The one who love Him so much so that she can be a good friend because His love enables her to do so.
Pray to Him for a friend like that, the one who will help us climb the mountain, not dragging us down.

Tonight I will pray to God and ask Him to send you a friend like my Dora, I hope God will grant my wish and your Dora will arrive soon in your life :)

Dear Dora, if you ever read this post, I want to tell you that I am really glad for your presence in my life. Stay humble and lovely, I thank God for sending you.

Finding My True Love

True love does sound good. I always secretly wish to find my true love. I imagined my true love is a gentleman with great love and great taste, ready to love beyond my imperfection at anytime, whatever my condition is. That was how I imagined true love until this morning.

I am not good at relationship, in fact I never stay in a relationship longer than a year. When I find something wrong in a relationship, usually I become doubtful, then if he cant convince me that everything will be alright I will leave soon. Maybe it's because I don't want to take the risk of spending the rest of my life with a wrong person. In attempt to know how deep is his love, I usually act super annoying and cranky for days to see if he will keep on loving me. I swear I didn't do this intentionally to test them, I did it without ever knowing why but just because I want to and I need to. Some of the guys leave me, some other stay but could not convince me. By all ways, I always leave.

Recently, I promised myself to take some long me-time. I kinda feel bad for never succeed a relationship, I started thinking that the mistakes were on me and not the guys. I realized that I wish too much from them to love me unconditionally. If it is too much to ask for an unconditional love, maybe I will never meet my true love. All I wish for is an unconditional love, because I know that I am not perfect. I was afraid someday my lover will start counting my flaws then he will decide to leave.

This morning, I was thinking that maybe unconditional love is too much to ask for and no man is capable of it. But, how come? My heart is crying for it. God was so cruel if He put a desire in my heart that impossible to be satisfied. Then He told me, "the one you have been looking for is Me!" As soon as possible He made it crystal clear.
All these year, I was crying for unconditional love, I was crying for Him. Only God can give me unconditional love, not matter how much I sinned, how annoying and cranky I can be, He still chooses to love me unconditionally. That moment, I know my quest was over. I have met my true love, The One who will and has loved me unconditionally.

Thank you God, for loving me unconditionally.

Do you know? He loves you unconditionally, too!

Between Demand and Request

I think we all know the difference between demand and request, they have a big difference. Recently, I know the difference is even bigger when it comes about apology.

The definition of demand is ‘a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you', meanwhile request is ‘the act of asking for something’.

When it comes about apology, do you DEMAND or REQUEST for forgiveness? Let this question be a reflection for each of us.

There was a day when somebody hurt me, I was mad, even more than mad, I was disappointed. He did say sorry, but it was hard for me to forgive him. I remained silent for some other days, but then when we met, he said “why do you still angry at me? I have said sorry.”  Then he grumbled some more. 

At that point, I realize that most of us demand forgiveness. He demands something he doesn't deserve, but he thinks it is his right to be forgiven. Maybe it is in our mindset that if we apologize, we must be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift for a gentle request, but most of us forget it. Forgiveness is something we don't deserve, but given by mercy. For that reason, we should cherish every forgiveness given to us.

We often do the same thing to God, we pray for something, but then when we don't get it, anger creeps into our heart. It was a demand, not a request. We demand God to forgive us, we demand God to bless us, we demand God to do something for us. We have no right for heaven or for blessings, but God gives it anyway. When we ask for something but don't get it, we should not be furious for it is not our right, but be grateful when He gives it for it is a gift. That’s why anybody who gets His forgiveness should be thankful, because He is being generous. He gives us something we don't deserve. 

So, ask for forgiveness, and cherish it when it is given to you. Close your eyes and say "thank you God for your forgiveness although I don't deserve it" from your deepest heart.

Chronic Heartache

In medical, definition of chronic is a disease or condition that persistent for a long time, for some disease we determine a disease is chronic within three months. But, today I am not going to talk about anything medical.

Heartache, derived from heart and ache, is not a medical term, but more or less means an emotion of heart break, love sickness.

I use this term to define love sickness that persistent for a long time, and sadly I just realize that I probably suffer from chronic heartache.

Heartache is not always come from a lover, it may come from friends, siblings, or parents. Even actually, many of us suffer chronic heartache from parents, sibling, or friends the most. We may or may not know the seed of the chronic heartache, but the thing is we feel it. I feel it, and I knew the seed of my chronic heartache.

I am struggling with my heartache, I wanna be freed from it. Sadly, I had no idea how to accomplish it.

"I consciously know that they do not mean to hurt me, even they do it to show their love for me, but it is not the way I need to be loved. When I told them how I want to be loved, they ignore it. I think that was the hurtful moment, not what they did in the first place. I gave another temptation to tell them the same thing, they didn't take it seriously. So, I cried in frustration, a lot of times."

It is terrible, isn't it? Not yet, the worst thing is not knowing either to solve it or flee from it. Frustration is creeping in, tears start falling, then heart begin to close.

I am really sorry, but I can not tell you how to solve this situation, I'm trying too. One thing keeps me still standing and smiling, it is faith. I only rely on Him, believing someday He will make everything better not bitter. I do not stop praying, changes need time and I believe He is working on it. I have faith, because I know He loves me and wants the best for me. So if He did not take this away from me, He has a plan about me involving it! 

I believe He loves you too, so don't lose faith in Him :)

Kindhearted or just OK?

Some researches show that we tend to think that we are better than we actually are. Another random fact, we usually claim to have a kind heart or at least nice, never break the state law, never kill, never divorce, etc

Are we kindhearted or just OK? Definition of a kindhearted is having or showing a kind and gentle nature. Is it? For me it's like the sentence isn't complete yet. It should be 'having or showing a kind and gentle nature constantly and for all'. 

To be a kindhearted is to show a lovely actions for everybody and constantly, never being absent and especially for a reason 'we are only human'. Yes, we are human, a kindhearted human. 

Maybe not most, just some people tend be kind to people who kind to them. It doesn't take a kindhearted guy to do that, everybody does. But to be kindhearted is to be kind to whom who has been unkind to us.
Kind actions should be constant. Being a kindhearted is not depending on our mood, do not let our mood drive our actions and ruin our days.

Being kind isn't an easy-peasy thing, it sure take commitment, lots of practice, and prayers, still I believe it will be worth it. Why? Because He wants us to be.

In this instant super short post I only wanna tell you two things I wrote above because I think that was important. For specific definition of being kindhearted and only nice, you can seek it on Bible, it has all the details. Hoping I can write about it someday. 
Have a nice day!

How To Complete Everyday

I'm on holiday now and get pretty much leisure time. Most of my time i spent to read new books, fiction, cooking, poems, etc. I also spent plenty time going outside and hanging out with friends and my sisters. Other things I usually do are looking at social media (try to catch up with the latest trends and issues, of course), listening to new songs (I kinda love Onerepublic's Something I Need and Clean Bandit's Rather Be right now) and old songs (I'm a big fan of Jazz! Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennet, Rod Stewart, Michael Bublé, I love them), also doing research in my campus and nearest hospital. Everyday I tried to spend my day with positive activities, and I still at the end of the day I felt something was missing. I was feeling rather empty. How it can be with a day full of activities?

At some point, I just tired with all those new songs, none sounded like good enough to be listened. And all that books? I felt they are useless and unimportant. So, I back to my all time favorite, newest Hillsong album that I've been listening almost everyday since February or March, and... my bible. I found that what Apostle Paul wrote approximately 2000 years ago is more interesting than Tatler newest restaurant review. Absolutely the Bible also contains something very important and everlasting. Hanging out with friend is always great, but I felt like I miss somebody else.

Deep inside, I knew what I was missing. I just simply miss Him.

These day, I only pray in the morning, before eating, and before sleeping. Rarely I pray something in between those times. I was too busy making myself busy to keep my mind busy from something that I better not think or remember. I miss Him and it made my day incomplete.

Have you ever feel like feeling empty even though you got a pretty good busy day? Sometimes I do, and for me the only thing that helps is praying. It does not just help, praying cures. If you ever feel so, talk to God, I believe He misses you too.

People-Pleasing Behavior

Today I felt terribly bad, I was disappointed. Things became worse when I realized that I was disappointed with myself.

The consequence of doing something is being criticized. At first, I thought I was disappointed with people who didn't appreciate me much. Then, I questioned myself "do I need approval? Or do I need appreciation?" But actually, that is not the point. The point is I was disappointed with myself, because I cannot please everybody.

I always said the same things over and over again to others, "you cannot please everybody." But I was being reminded about the same thing today. I cannot please everybody, I cannot fulfill people's expectations. Even when I give my best, it is not enough and it will never be. It was frustrating to think about how to please everybody, because in fact it was rather impossible. Now, let me think twice if it is right to have a people-pleasing behavior.

The first question is "why I need to please everybody?" I couldnt find the answer, maybe...just because I dont need to! I am not capable of it, even I cannot always please people I love the most. The truth is we will always get disappointment from anybody, maybe from our friends, best friends, family, spouse, or ourselves. But it is in human nature to please somebody, at least that's what I feel. So, who I need to please? Who I choose to please? Some people may choose to please their parents, some other try to please their spouse, and there are any who want to please their community. But, who I need to please?
I was reminded by this way, that the only one I need to please is God. I had chosen to give this saved life to Him, although actually this life isnt mine anymore. Every morning I said the same things in my prayers, today I realized that I never really mean it before. Saying those is a habit. Now, I want to mean it, really mean it from my deepest heart.
I want to consciously choose to please Him as my one and only. Maybe my trials and efforts are not enough, He just wants me to leave it to Him.The moral road of trying harder and harder is not enough this way. This time, I leave it all to Him. I want to do what He wants me to do and to be.

2 Corinthians 12:9
"and He said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So then, I will boast most gladly about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may reside in me."

I believe when we please God and become who He wants us to be, we will not only please Him, He will make us a living grace for our communities. Do not make it the target, it is the side effect. Focus on Him and He will give it all to you. 

By posting these, I really hope you will think again about your people-pleasing behavior (just like what I did), especially if you feel intimidated by it. You may reach on different conclusion than this post, it may not be wrong. Please pray about it, He knows what is best for you.
Have a rest on Him and on your pillow, happy wednesday!

My Last Teenage Year!

I used to hate 9th of October, but maybe I kinda love this 9th of October. 

Ninth of October was never a good day for me, although it is my birthday. I usually got more disappointments on 9th of October and it became sort of traumatic for me. But, this 9th of October is different. 
Lately, I realize that I got such disappointment because I expected too much on that day. I used to think in "today-is-my-day-and-everything-should-be-done-as-I-wish" way which is will not ever happen. But this year is different, this year I think that 9th of October is not a special day, it is just a day when I was born years ago, so how could this day become so special to every human being? Impossible.

I am actually in love and hate relationship with this one year experience. This one year is the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year for me, but at the same time I love it because God answer my deepest prayer. The way He made this year as the most painful, unforgettable, hardest, most miserable year is the way He answers my prayer.

I had spent 19 years focusing on myself. Each night and day I prayed for my happiness, grades, and everything else about myself. Anything I asked from Him was for my own. The only one I wanted to please was no one but myself. In 19 years of my life, I always got reasons not to be happy. It is true that I lived that 19 years in vanity and emptiness as I tried to please myself. 
On the last years, I prayed for the same thing over and over again. I prayed that He will change me into someone He would love to see in me. I did not know what I asked for.

When He finally said yes to my prayer, He let me experience the lowest point of my life. I saw my life broke down into pieces, I tried to put it all together again, but it only hurt me even more. I tried my best and it was still not enough. Everything was uncontrollable, everything was messed up, then I was broken into pieces. At some point in life, I surrendered and realized that I can do nothing in life. I felt so small and fragile, and I got no place to run away. All I can do was crying and asking God to let it all happen in His way, because I have learned that my ways brought new problems for me. He let me know that the one I can rely on is not my self, that I am small and fragile, but I got Savior and all I need to do is asking Him to do it all for me because I am not capable for it. 

Maybe this is gonna be the most absurd post I ever post, I'm so sleepy right now. I just wanna say thanks to Him for these wonderful 19 years in my life. I wanna thanking Him because He never gives up on me, He never stops working on me, and the most important thing is I want everybody knows that He is my one and only, that I am so lucky to have Him in my life. I got the immeasurable grace and I am thankful.
Thanks God, for everything You let to happen in my life.

Fight or Flight!

In medicine, we have one specific hormone called "flight or fight" hormone. It is called adrenaline. It increases heart rate and makes us become more alert. Actually, I don't wanna talk about the hormone itself, this time I wanna talk about the real fight or flight in life. There will always problems come to life, we cant choose what kind of problem that will come to our life. But we can choose to fight or to flight.

Looking back, I think most of the time I chose to flight. It is easier to runaway from problems, just be home, hug your mom, watch movies and read novels to forget your problems. I was deceiving myself, kept telling myself that my life was okay, but actually it was not. I chose to be alone, so that no one can hurt me. My buddy told me that she saw me building a wall, so that people cannot approach me. I didn't realize it before, but one thing that I know for sure, I don't want people to have pity on me.

Now that I am away from home, where can I flee from all these things? Deep inside, it haunted me all the time. I started to seek God more frequently, I thought I need another hidden place to runaway. But God is never a hidden place, He doesn't let me runaway from my problems. When I prayed to Him to let go all my problems, He didn't say yes to it. Instead, He stays with me and strengthens me, then helps me to fight my problems.

Romans 8:37
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."

My God is the real King, He doesn't let His child to be a chicken or a loser. Bible says, Jesus makes me more than a winner. To be a winner, first of all I have to fight the battle. In every fight, I got hurt that I wanna cry out loud and quit. Again, He doesn't let me quit, He wants me to reach the final and be more than a winner. He strengthens me in every fights, He gives me comfort and heals my wounds. The most important thing is I am closer to Him as He leads me in every fight and I can learn to become more like Him.

At the end of the days, I just can say "thanks God, for letting all these things happened in my life." Because I know that His plans are the best for me, that right now He is changing me into someone He would love to see in me.

Let me quoted some from C.S. Lewis
"God allow us to experience lowest points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way."

Instead of my miserable english, I hope the readers can understand what I wrote here. Fight your battles guys, but remember you cannot do it alone. That is why you need Him, He will lead you, heal you, comfort you and make you more than a winner. Have a blessed day, readers!

Wake Up For A Commitment

One day, I woke up from my nap. This time I'm not dreaming about anything, but soon after waking up I start thinking "what should I do with my life?". Then I realized two important things. First, that I concern about this thing more than I realized, it haunted me under my consciousness. Second, soon after the first question popped up in my head, the answer came, I realized I had made a commitment. Maybe I should say it is a BIG commitment. 

A year ago, when I signed my university form, I had made a commitment to be a doctor, or at least to be a doctor in progress. I didn't make any pact about being a doctor with the university, nor my parents, but to God and myself. Once I'm in, I should do my best. No, I have to do my best. 

I realized that in 3 years I will have long holiday no more and my life will full of about medicine thingy everyday, anywhere, anytime. Actually, this is a choice. You still can quit from this medicine world, you can quit now, you can quit tomorrow, you can quit anytime. Taking medicine education doesn't mean you will work in a medicine world, having a doctor degree doesn't mean you will work as a doctor. It's all up to you. I saw some of my friends taking medicine education, but still wondering about what should they do in life. They tried to convince them self that taking medicine education is a right choice, in fact they're not really in. Maybe out of 100, maybe just 10 of us that really know the reason why they want to be a doctor from the beginning, the ninety others are still wondering, convincing and reasoning.
It takes courage to admit that we're still questioning if we really want to be a doctor, and it takes time to decide whether we want to stay or leave. But, above all we need support and approval from our beloved people. 

I chose to stay, to involve, to explore medicine world, and to do my best in it. I really hope that everybody who still stand in something in between will soon get the best decision. Take your time and encourage your self, the choices is yours, the answers are only can be found in you, not your parents, not your significance other, not your friends. Choices are unlimited, I guarantee you, but every choices has its consequences. Choices are unlimited, our capability of the consequences is. Choose wisely and have a good day, readers!

What Today's Women Expect

Recently I talked a little bit a lot with a boy. At first, I think he just wanted to be friends, but looked like he mistook my being-nice action as a good sign to start flirting.

It was quite boring and tiring to talk to him. But, I thank him for opening my eyes to see that in this modern emancipation life, still there is a conservative (I use conservative, because maybe closed minded is too rude) man who wants to marry a woman who will just cook for him and dust his furniture at home and maybe dance and sing and rub his back when he comes home.

It was much less like this. He said, he doesn't like an ambitious woman who loves to pursue career in her life and for example he mention our senior's name whom I totally adore. I said, that kind of woman is cool and I am definitely one of that kind. He said that our senior is definitely going to be an old single lady because she is too picky and ambitious. I said, she is definitely outrageous and cool because she is keep on pursuing her dreams and being single doesn't keep her for being fabulous. He said, she should be aware of her single status because she is in her midst twenty. I said, no she shouldn't because she is pretty, has a good attitude and style, dress well, comes from good family back ground, smart and has a great prospect of being a good pediatrician, the only thing she shouldn't do is lowering her standard (especially for a guy like you, even though I didn't say this). He said, he wants to be the only reason of his significant other's happiness. I said, I had learned that we better not draping our happiness on other people's shoulder. He said, in a relationship couple should depend on each other and he wants to have a significant other who will totally depend on him. I said, I learned that in a healthy relationship, couple should trust and help each other but not totally depend on each other, I learned that a healthy relationship is two happy persons commit to share their happiness and sorrow, not to make each other happy, if we could not make our self happy then we will not make any other people happy. He said, this is a tough conversation, and we will hard to finally have one conclusion. I said, no, we don't need any conclusion because we were just sharing opinion, we can still go on in life with our own opinion, there's no need to decide which opinion is better, because it were all relative and subjective.

I am quite surprised to realize that most of men and boys around me still adopt the concept of having a girl friend or wife who will totally adore and depend on them, and in extreme case just having a life because of their presence. For my sisters, I and maybe some women out there who have an intention to go for further education and want to have career life, we are not avoiding or disliking marriage, we're just expecting a men who will accept us as his equal partner in life. An equal partner is someone to talk to, to discuss matters, to share opinions, to help each other through life. An equal partner means we want men to think and act like our opinion is matter, worth listened, worth considered and worth for trial.

In fact, most of men still adopt last century concept of having a girl friend or wife. They think their wife just need to listen to their stories without any right to give opinions, we were only given right to agree and nod, cook them breakfast lunch and supper, raise the kid, and (sorry to say) serve them in bed. They think, their only obligation is supporting family's economy which (in their mind) woman cant do and know nothing about. Maybe you don't believe it, but some women still have this same concept in their mind. Thankfully, I am absolutely not one of them.

Women have the right to pursue their dreams, dreams can be working as a doctor, or maybe work as reporter for BBC or CNN, or maybe be a mother with four kids. Women have the right to be listened. Women have the right to be appreciated for what they have done. Raising kids is not only women's obligation in marriage, it is two party's obligation. Raising kids is not about giving them money, toys, gadgets, and stuffs or giving them the best education, it is about nurturing and loving them, accompanying them during life, and helping them to grow.

For every smart beautiful girls who lives around the world, be smart enough to chose your partner. Because we're worth it. Maybe you're single at the moment, just don't ever lower your standard, the right man will be able to appreciate your intelligence, beauty and skills.
Be smart people, be people smart. Happy weekend!

Life, Its Purpose, and Its Meaning

So, lets get straight to the point: what is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of living a life as a human?

Its been two weeks or maybe more since I got a dream every time I sleep. Usually, I don't dream that often. Every day the dreams were vague and bad, so I woke up tired and weary. I don't know why this is happening to me. Is this a part of heart break and moving on process? Or, is this just because I have too much spare time and my mind wandering too much? Or, is this a normal question that came to every person that live in this world? I just woke up from my nap this afternoon after having a bad dream and realise those all comes from my mind that afraid of being alone and having no purpose.

Everything is meaningless, it is said in Ecclesiastes many times. Life is full of seasons that come and go. Sometimes bad things happen, another time great things come. But after all, life will come to an end. But every ending is a new beginning. Some people believe there will be life after life, some other say there is no life after life and we will have no more existence. If there will be no life after life, it just prove that life is meaningless, everything is meaningless. But for people who believe there will be life after life, what is the purpose of living? Does not immortality just another form of and ending without new entrance? Because it will stuck there.

Some said life is to find it's meaning, some said it's just to be done, to do things and keep on living, the other said life is to fulfil their ambition, and the rest said life is to give life itself meaning.

I believe there's life after life as the bible said so. But, what kind of life it will be, I haven't understood yet. I had no idea why God created human, why He created us, why He created me. What do He want me to do so He created me into someone like this? No, I haven't found the answer yet, but I keep on praying and asking God as The bible said "ask and you'll be given" so many times.

Matthew 6:33
"But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

I have been denying my questions about life and its purpose because I was afraid that I gonna lose my mind and get lost, afraid that I will lose my grip in christianity. But now I know, I have a Lord and He is my shepherd, He is good shepherd who wont let me get lost and wont left me alone, who will seek for me when I got lost. And as I believe that He is the one created me with a purpose, I should ask Him what it is.

Atheism versus Christianity and Something About Superior Existence

A couple days ago I read about atheism versus christianity in BBC news. The news says that Christian twitter user are happier than the atheist users. Actually, the news was a little bit non-sense for me. Tweets cannot be a measurement for happiness. We can tweet beautiful words while crying or angry. Remember that human love to play with words. 

With my curiosity, I opened one of well-known atheist twitter users. There, I found so many tweets that tried to offend people who chose to embrace one of beliefs world offers. But, the only thing I feel behind her words are disappointment and denial. It looked like she was disappointed about world's condition then accused it as God's injustice. So, she denied His existence. Because deep inside she believe that if God's was exist, world would be a good place. If God's exist, He must be an existence that full of love, not this cruel to let all these happened.

I think, the one who ignore someone consciously is the one who deep inside feel that one's existence the most. So she had to take effort to deny and ignore Him.

Let me try to explain this in an analogy. If you watch a musical performance, you can notice the wrong chords played or false lyrics sang if you listen to it carefully. If you're hearing and not listening, you wont notice that the singer made some mistakes.

But, as I have said above "tweets cannot be a measurement." This paragraph is only my speculation.

This finding triggered me to learn more about atheism, Christianity, and above all took me back to the basic; about superior existence who has power upon this world. Is He really exist? If He does Exist, who is He? I believe everyone once had these two question pop up in their heads, but only some are brave enough to ask it.

Those two question will make me post some posts about Christianity, atheism and something about superior existence next time. I'm a conservative blogger, I think two post a day are too much (hahaha). Besides, I want the reader to read patiently and carefully. Please, read it with curiosity, not with intention to judge which one is right and chose that one then blame the others. Be like a little kid who hears with intention to understand, not to reply or give judgement. So, happy reading! :)

Sisterhood: When We Start to Drift Apart

Sisterhood is like sweet treats for my life. It is always one of my favorite part of life.

My sisters and I, we fight like best friends and nurture like parents. One of the best parts of sisterhood is sharing secrets. We are girls, and somehow girls love sharing secrets. I think, girls use it as a form of trust. I remember the days when we had not had smartphones, skype, or even mobile phones, I was 10 years old that day. Corresponding was the only way to tell stories. Each week I wrote a letter to my oldest sister, told her story about my annoying friend, my teachers, my best friends, everything that seemed so important to me that she should know and everything I wanted to tell her. My oldest sister was my best-est friend.

When I was younger, my sisters are my best friends, not my mom. I barely told my mom about my friends or school life, I told her only the important things, like good grades or teacher's compliments. But, my oldest sister's best friend is mom. And later, one by one, so did my other sisters. I didn't understand why until I figured it out by my self. As we grew up, my sister and I have our own path way and become the person we should be. We are different now, and there were times when we found each other strangers. At that times, only mom who never rejects us, who can accept our changes even when our sisters have not accept it yet.

The differences that made us someone we should be, the differences in society and friends, interests, and campus life brought us drifted apart. We took times to understand each other, but mom done it faster than anybody. So, now mom is the center of our sisterhood cycle. Lately I realized, that we begin to shared less secrets. We share some, and keep some. Is this a part of having our own life? Soon I understand that when we get married, or get into relationship, we will keep some little secrets from sisterhood. But, we just cannot hide it from mom.

It is not that we trust our sisters less. It is just we realize that we haven't reached the point where we can sharing stories without giving judgements yet. We are not that wise at this age, so that we learn it from mom. Still I miss those days, when we were awake until midnight watching movies and telling stories.

Changes, we cannot avoid it, and we better not avoid it. It may seems somehow bad at first, but I believe those are parts of process leading into something better in life. The changes between us, I want to believe it is for something better. I do not trust them less, I even love them more. Eventually, I believe that trust which earned in silence is more precious than gold.

Hey readers, are you having the same condition with me? Take my words, you may seemed drifted apart, but sisterhood never dies, even strengthen in that time. :)

People: Our Mirror

People say that the one we know the least is our self, I agree with it!

I can define my sisters well, can describe my parents until the little detail, can list what kind of human-being my friends are, but strangely I cannot find the right words to define my self.
Maybe you think you can describe yourself, I thought I can. Actually, my description of my self was not the real me, it was someone I wanna be. And sometimes, I adopt people's definition of me. Me, my self and I cannot really have a word to define the real me.

Imagine your self now, your face, your body, what you wear. I bet your imagination of yourself was not your self after cleaning the house, it must be your self in the mirror or photograph before you go to parties, using the best dress and make up. Most of the time, we don't wanna remember how we look after cleaning the house or gardening or doing something sweaty because it doesn't look good. Well, we do the same about our description of our self. We think about the best qualities in us.  Unconsciously, we used to deny the bad side of us, or at least make it sounds a little better with putting reasons.

We will not know our self until we look at the mirror. People is our mirror, what they said about us is a reflection of what we did. We are what we did, not what we think. We can think about the very best thing, being an idealist, but what we did is what matter the most. People is not mind reader, society just can define you by what you do assuming it is the result of your thoughts. In fact, what we do without thinking is the real us. Meanwhile, what we do after thinking is who we wanna be or someone we think we should be.

People is our mirror, but not all mirror is accurate. Some mirror make us look skinnier, or fatter. To know yourself, you have to know which mirror is accurate. Neither choose the ones who show only your best, you will a proud arrogant person, nor choose the ones who show only your bad, it will bring you down. Choose the one who accurate. I think the accurate one is someone who always be with us all the time, see our bad also our best, a part of your growing up process, and know us inside outside, the real us, someone we wanna be, and someone we should be. 

For me, it is my mom, dad, sisters, old friends of mine, and my current society for I am away from home. They are who affected by what I did, I listen to them, because I want to be someone better for everyone and also myself. That's the point why we have to have a good family, choose good friends and society. Yes, we cannot choose our family, but we do choose our friends and society we involve into. It is the reason why a broken home person is easier to be tolerated than someone who get broken by his society and friends.

After all, choose the right mirror that can reflect you precisely. After seeing your self, you can accept the truth, and change what you don't like. It wont happen in a week, or a months. It takes time and processes, be patient, be faithful, keep going on processes, and someday you will find your self incredibly amazing. :)

Me Being A Doctor Is (Not) A Mistake

When I was in High School, I loved daydreaming about dreams. I spent a lot of time imagining myself as a magazine editor, or journalist, or researcher, or fashion designer, or violinist, or children’s book illustrator, and sometimes as wedding organizer. Crazy, young and free, those are the definition for my dreams. Unsafe, unpredictable, unprofitable (except for the lucky!) are also descriptions for my dreams. I knew it long ago. I have a lot of dream, but one thing that I found weird. I always determined my self to be a doctor whatever dreams I have.

I spent 6 years of High School to pursue unofficial title of  ‘Biology Master’. I won biology competitions, not so many, but the numbers and prestige are enough to get that unofficial title. Besides, I also built a career (if I can call it so) in Journalistic. I love to write, to accumulate information, to publish something that can inspire people. 

When my dreams and dream job are not matching, when someone I want to be and someone I expected to be are not matching, those are problems, BIG problems. I remember when I cried on the last December of my High School years. I cried because I was accepted in medical school, but deep inside I did not really sure to take it. I still have other dreams, I could be anything I want, wedding organizer, Magazine Editor, Journalist, even still have a chance to work in National Geographic! My parents said I could be anything I want, but it was I who was too frighten to take the risks. Besides, I always said confidently since a long time ago that I will be a doctor someday, wear that white clothes, do morning visit, prescribe medicine, and drive midnight for emergency calls. I always determined myself to be a doctor, but at that time I thought I lost the reason why I want to be a doctor. So, I made other reasons to convince myself, “because being a doctor is a safe choice”,” I still can do research”, “I still can write stories”, “I will make so much money then travel the world and write about the journey”, “draw illustrations can be done in between”, and the others. Eventually, those reasons are not enough for me when I stuck in my last months of my freshmen year.  I thought, I lost all my motivations.

In fact, I didn't, I just forgot about them, the basic reason. The reason is not to help people, not to have a promising career, not to seek any popularity, but TO INSPIRE people to have A BETTER LIFE then make THE WORLD to be A BETTER PLACE. I was such a damn fucking idealist who used to had an idea of an ideal life and world in my head. Contaminating with glamorous life, popularity, racism, materialism, agnosticism, I turned to be so selfish, arrogant, and ambitious for something which are actually nothing. I did not get anything except emptiness, but still craving for more, thinking that I just have not had enough. Thanks God, just one night before the skill test (so called OSCE), God reminded me the reason. At that night, I got my spirit up and learned for the test carefully. My target is not the best score, but do the best for my future patients. Enough for being wild, young, free, and cool in the world’s perspective. I’m done with it, I don't get anything but emptiness. Let me back to against what society calls cool, I just want to be good and right in His eyes for He is the only one who cannot be wrong. 

Thank You, for not giving me so much courage to take the risks of not being a doctor. Yes, I spent at least half year cursing my choice to be a doctor, but now I know I wont regret it later. I will drive midnight for emergency calls, will spend most of my time in hospital, will talk to patient much often than to my family, will go sleepless for the needy, will have no Sundays and holidays, but I will be a doctor and will LOVE TO BE.

Back to the days when I was innocent, I didn't dream to work in big cities and well known Hospitals. I always wanted to work for WHO, be a doctor in wars, teach the low economic class how to keep their body and mental healthy. You know, writing is an easier way to motivate and inspire people. But still, actions talk louder and much simpler. If I only write, how can I inspire people with poverty who do not have  access for education, do not have enough money to buy the book, and do not have enough interest to read? No, me being a doctor is not a mistake. Doctor is what I should be and what I will be. Heaven got a plan for me and I’m in, all in.

I’ve kept this post in my head for a month for not knowing how to write it properly. Thanks to Dewi Lestari and her novel ‘Perahu Kertas’, it is so inspiring! For, readers I do not inspire you to be a doctor but to remind you to go on your dreams and keep motivated. Work hard, it will pay off later!